It’s hard for me to write about myself since I know that this self of mine (this human being) is no more than a projection of my consciousness, and therefore illusionary, changeable and transitory. What I might say about myself, about my real self, is that it is Constancy. Constancy which is not personal, which is not a person or some kind of an “I”. It is plain Existence (Being); without attributes, without form, without even a substance to fill out the form – and yet, what I am saying has a form and a substance, and as a result this statement is false. In simpler words, I might say that it is Perception, pure perception without features, behind all change and perceiving everything standing in front of it. It sounds ridiculous no matter how I try to state it, because “that” has no need of stating its own Reality.
Nevertheless, I was born in 1973 to a family of workers who struggled, and are still struggling, with life, with meaning, while aspiring to fulfill their purpose. In terms of karma, this family provided the material, the foundation for manifestation of karma, foundation for a certain way of life and for the internal processes that had started awakening in me ever since the early childhood. Many of my childhood moments were filled with questions; unable to understand most of the things that were happening around me I kept revolving around their purpose, questioning the meaning of those happenings, the sense and senselessness that I felt so intensely. I had so many questions; since I was nine I asked myself “why am I here?”, “what is the purpose of me being here?” which were later replaced by other questions. At twelve I started an intense study of psychology, of the so called mysteries, and I started questioning the reality of this world I had found myself in. Discomfort, a thirst for knowledge, inability to accept what was considered “normal”, relationships of others that were confusing me – all of this drove me to dive deeper and deeper into these subjects. At the age of seventeen I started practicing yoga and meditation under the auspices of a certain tantric school that was located in Karlovac at the time. The practice was powerful and brought me to the core of the problem.
This “core” was in the feeling of myself, in the feeling of “I”. In the course of this practice all my ideas of spirituality and of techniques fell away since I had realized that, in reality, they were diverting me from the course of self-exploration, they were veiling the essence of the problem. Nonetheless, today I am able to say that they have fulfilled their purpose, because it is precisely through these kinds of insights that they brought me to the core. At twenty three I began an intense Work on myself, a work very similar to what I am writing here on this blog. Uncompromising and with a clear direction it was working on that which is the real problem of mans existence. Although it had a few techniques they were kept to a bare minimum; the essence of the Work was in consciousness, will, creativity. It was about consciousness, about the clarity of direction, self-questioning, it was in confronting all kinds of situations be they outer or inner, in bringing the consciousness forth, in constant questioning of the internal and the external reality, while living in unpredictable situations.
I have spent seven years in this work and then I moved on. In 2005 I resumed contact with the tantric school of my youth, the one which provided me with the foundation for work on myself, and started receiving their teaching but this time in a more serious, deeper and more intense fashion. All of this culminated in an “experience” of unified consciousness that continued, without interruptions, for a month (give or take a day or two). Afterwards I realized that even the unified consciousness itself, the ecstasy, and all the rest that comes with it – is just another layer of illusion, one whose sole purpose is to keep me where I am. Dissatisfied, I dived even deeper into my practice; discarding every idea that had kept me in place, every idea that had provided me with consolation, with meaning, with appropriate answers. For I realized that as long as I can perceive anything outside or inside myself, and as long as I proclaim something inside to be me – I have not arrived at the goal.
Then I realized that the goal itself has several levels, and that each level has its ramifications, its valuable and harmful aspects alike. My exploration and The Work made me realize, and understand, that what I am in my nature is not perception, is not a movement, a process, or any kind of feeling I might have, but that it’s something BEYOND all this. I might call it the “feeling” of not-I, the absence of person, absence of consciousness, of perception. But “that” manifests itself precisely through consciousness, through perception, through the feeling of existence, the feeling of “I”, through the mind, the person, the processes and the body. I now realize that merely getting into the State is not the point, the point is to purify, to transform everything through which this state is manifesting. In the beginning every aspect of manifestation of self must be seen and transformed, and later it is to be permeated with that which is my Nature. This is the process I have been doing to this day, aiming to stabilize the State within everyday life, within relationships, workplace, within life as it is.
I don’t care for spirituality, what I’m interested in is the practicality of manifestation. I’m not interested in religion or in philosophy, although I read a segment of tantric philosophy from time to time, aiming for a deeper understanding of the Forces working in the background. I am not identified with any nation, ethnicity or faith, nor do I belong to a particular nation, ethnicity or faith, hence I am not spiritual and I don’t teach a particular religion, philosophy or spirituality. I no longer read books on spirituality or psychology and I am not interested in any sphere of spirituality, philosophy or religion. If, by some chance, I get my hands on such a book I read it to pass the time, to see my current level and manner of understanding of specific parts of spirituality, not to learn something new. I am not practicing any spiritual technique you might be familiar with, apart from those means that are working directly with Intention and serving my stated aim. My current Work is in discarding all the ideas of spirituality and of teachings, it is in ceasing to be bothered by them since they had fulfilled their purpose, they had brought me to here.
Since I am working with people I am bound to write, to talk, to teach this Work and its peculiarities, obliged to give techniques, initiations, and all the rest that goes with “the job”, but I myself have no interest in all of that. Yet, in understanding the process of human internal development I understand that these things are indispensable in the maturation process. The first and foremost expectation I have of the people with whom I work with is that they grow up, and while growing up that they start living, start using the essence of themselves. After that, to free themselves even of their feeling of themselves, their feeling of “I”, that they free themselves of all the childish games of spirituality and life. Then, they are ready to liberate themselves, to step into what we call Liberation or Full Awakening. I see the whole of the Work as a method of growing up, a method of maturation, preparation for the “experience” that will demolish every aspect of them. That experience will show them the illusion they used to believe in, and it will show them that every aspect of the teaching, of spirituality is just another layer of illusion, a deeper one than the layer you call life. When this happens I know that an Awake man stands before me, a man ready to discard, to see through the illusion of awakeness itself, ready to step into the Objective Consciousness.
I go here and there, often to Bosnia, Croatia and Serbia where I work with people. What I write is what I live and what I do with others. If something interests you, if you have questions or wish to join the Work, feel free to contact me via the contact form.