I have often wondered why do people try to get back into contact with me? What do they seek when they stalk me, try to reach me after I removed them from my life? Then, due to an exercise I got from someone I am working with, it hit me.
They seek ATTENTION. I denied them my attention, and with attention, I denied them value, meaning, acceptance etc. Here I am not talking about those people I intentionally hurt, people with whom I played a game after noticing they were not what they present themselves to be, or after realizing I don’t want to have anything to do with them due to their character. I am talking about the people I cut off through no fault of their own; I had no quarrel with them, I wasn’t mad at them, I didn’t have reactions to them. We simply weren’t on the same wavelength. I removed people like this many times in my life, often during an internal crossroad. During this kind of “biorhythms” in which these people seek me out – sometimes it’s because of the Moon, or atmospheric pressure, during this so called crisis and so on – I would wonder what is it that attracts them so much? I have been very clear about the termination of our socializing, acquaintance, friendship (which I no longer believe in nor hold such relations.) Still, they try to draw me back and get close to me. Usually, when I finish with something I don’t go back. When I am done with something, I am done, same goes for people. Clear cut.
Then it hit me. A T T E N T I O N.
With my act I have cut the flow of attention toward them, and the flow of their attention toward me. They remained unpaid. Because, as my Mentor (If I may call him so) says “attention is a universally accepted currency.” Attention is money of the universe. Worth a lot more than the money we use. I know this.
I took away attention from them, and with it, I took away their value. To me they still have value for being wonderful human beings. But since I am collapsing both the wonderful with the bad within myself, it means nothing to me. I like to free myself from others, also, free them from me.
Attention that we get is a means of payment, a means by which we pay while giving attention. Attention is a Force. A Force which needs to flow toward you, not toward the world or others. Energy can circulate, but attention needs to be on you. Our energy can go toward something while our consciousness is focused on itself. But we are not used to letting the energy flow while keeping our consciousness on us. No one had taught us that, not even the ones who should have (masters, gurus, teachers) for they don’t know this either, they merely imitate their roles. I know what it’s like when someone you deem valuable and better than yourself collapses the game and pulls his attention away from you and back to him. Today I am grateful for it, but there were days when I weren’t.
The more developed, more conscious, crystallized the man in front of us is, the more painful it is for us to be denied his attention, so we seek to gain it back. Even those out of spirituality and Work sense this.
When we are denied another’s attention, we feel pain, suffering, emptiness, rejection. Especially if we don’t know how to give attention to ourselves. And since we don’t know how, we seek it from outside. We even seek it from God.
The moment we realize that we don’t need anyone’s attention and that we should focus our attention on us, crystallize ourselves through attention, is the moment when we become truly Alone. We no longer seek attention from others. We will not, of course, cut off the entire flow of attention because we live in a social environment, we share energy, and a part of attention flows with that energy. But the larger part of attention we are used to share freely – for not knowing its value, not knowing how to accept it and we are demanding it from others (as do those who are mesmerized by us) – we need to focus on us, on our goal, the Work, on attaining Awakeness.
Attention is the C U R R E N C Y of the universe. If you know how to use it, you have money. Squandering money means being wasteful. Do you feel the same way when you are squandering your attention?
People talk of “vampirism” as a means of taking someone’s energy, only because they don’t know what attention is. Which is much worse than energy vampirism. Most things around us, connections, relationships, values, would not exist if we denied them attention. Energy is one thing, but Consciousness as Attention, Attention as a Force of Consciousness, as its operative principle, is something else.
Energy flows where Attention goes. If we know how to divide Attention on two parts, we know how to save both energy and attention. One part of Attention, the larger one, must always be on us. Attention is a terrific Force. We all want this Force in us, on us, around us, whether consciously or unconsciously. Simply pay attention to this, notice it for yourself.
As I am writing this text, obviously, I am writing it for Attention. For Giving and Receiving Attention. Energy flows through the text, if I know how to insert it into words, sentences, meaning, etc. If I know how to do it, I will always keep the larger part of attention on myself and divide the other part. I am able know why I am doing this, and due to the part of attention which is on me, I am free to notice that there is some selfishness and wanting attention in all this. I can evaluate how important this is to me, and how much of it I can give freely, without expecting anything in return. Everything around us seeks this Force of Attention. EVERYTHING.
What we don’t realize, or don’t realize it in time, is that this is the Force we need most for our internal Development and Growth. The price of Immortality, the price of crystallization, of internal maturation.
When we pull attention back from useless things, when we realize we are wasting it, that we are attention-wasting-junkies and we stop doing it – that Force starts crystallizing within us. And with it comes the energy which feeds the minds, making both consciousness and attention itself stronger, and we notice that we have more of it every day. Instead of a dot somewhere around solar plexus that we feel as ourselves, we feel that our feeling of self has widened. It became huge compared to that small dot we used to feel as ourselves.
I remember when my feeling of self was like that dot. Like some ball in the middle of chest, the size of a tennis ball perhaps. Now, when I look at the size of my feeling of self, it is huge. Sometimes it is the size of the body, sometimes it is some half a meter around, sometimes it’s tens of meters around me or as far as my visual perception can reach – a few hundred meters. In these moments I feel that it is thick, everything enters it and it enters into everything. I can condense it within limits of the body or into a point in the chest, but it’s not the same dot that it used to be in the beginning of my work
In the end, when death comes, this Attention will go to its master, to the level from which it comes, so it is not really my attention, although I can say it is mine. Each part of me will go back to the level where it came from, attention included. This too is the price of freedom. With it, I pay for my freedom, and with it I belong to the world or level from which this structure comes, in this case attention. Attention is the operative Consciousness or Force we are given, and which we have in a certain quantity. It is the “gold” of ancient alchemists. Our duty, our purpose, is to increase this “stock of gold” within “us”.
If you can feel what’s BEHIND attention – you can’t see it, but you can feel it – you will experience that you are larger than your attention, thereby, you are not your attention. Similar to perception we have through our senses, attention is the perception of Consciousness. I know that many of those reading this have no “experience” of attention, have never heard of this or have heard some hazy philosophies instead. But once you start paying attention to attention: where it goes, how it goes, when you are giving it, when you are seeking it, how things get our attention, how people take it and need it, how attention is the food we feed ourselves with, how it feeds our feeling of ourselves, our value, meaning, significance – you start valuing its worth. Then you know its value and you know how the entire world is fighting for our attention – crises, problems, entertainment, family, friends, partners, etc.- and how you yourself fight for it. Then you start handling this “universal currency” more carefully. Attention we give is an investment. Whether our investment pays off or not, depends on what we invested our attention into.
When we discard useless beliefs, problems, attitudes, reactions, attention starts crystallizing in us. We start collecting it and we start maturing. A Mature man doesn’t hand out attention wastefully, for he knows its worth. But an immature man depends on attention he gets from others, and he quickly spends it on something immature, useless. Convictions about this and that, values we ascribe to people and things, significance, meaning, reactions to others and the world – all of this contains attention which we squander. But once we learn to discard what we, in truth, don’t need – attention goes back to us. Learning where to focus attention, learning to whom and what we should give it, is a part of the Work, a part of Growth and Development. Which brings us to further evolution, one beyond attention. To that which is Truly ours, to Realization of Truth and Being the Truth.