Death, the bogeyman we all fear. One who shows where our life is headed, what its final destination is – the moment a living corpse turns into a dead body. It ruins all our background motives, devalues all our aims, all meanings we have found, all that we have accomplished during so called life. It’s a full stop on what has been living a dead life. Perhaps you were an adrenaline junkie, or a decent and humane person, a good neighbor and friend, lover and partner, even an exemplary spiritual guy. It doesn’t matter. Death will suck all that you were, that you are and will be into emptiness. All of it will simply vanish into nothingness, just as in deep sleep, pointing at what will become of you in the near or far future. Just as there are no us in deep sleep, so will there be no us in the moment of death. Ok, some impressions will be discharging and forming lights, good friends greeting you, a tunnel like when you’re falling asleep and dreaming of falling down; maybe a lamp on the Christmas tree of death flickers one last time and provides some post-death meaning, and then – NOTHING.
Just like in deep sleep. You will get attached to these impressions and reject others, some you will understand while others will scare you, just like your dreams do. We always wonder what the moment of death looks like never realizing the ways in which life keeps giving us answers. You all know what falling asleep looks like. Lots of images, lots of impressions appearing and being interpreted as dreams; memory of impressions, tunes, sensory perceptions popping up and entering the conscious part of mind which has not yet fallen asleep – all of this gives us the impression that we are dreaming. We can fight sleep, as many have tried, myself included, but sleep prevails in the end, just like death will.
If you’re lucky, you will go through the process of dying during your life. It will appear as a feeling of dying while falling asleep. It will torment you and you will fight it, try to remain conscious, you will try not to fall asleep and then – cut. A blackout after hours and hours of struggle, of struggling to remain in the feeling that you are alive, that you exist. An instant cut even of the feeling of Existence which has been your only anchor point during your struggle with this sudden falling into deep sleep and turning-off of the minds (centers) giving the impression of suddenly disappearing. Sometimes this struggle lasts a couple of months, sometimes a couple of years. Those few lucky ones who went through this finally accepted this feeling of dying, of death, of disappearing. The rest keep fighting it.
Meaning, meaninglessness, impotence, fear, love, the aid of spiritual sayings and teaching, others who are beside you, all of this is powerless in the moment when you are shutting down. All our angels, gods, projections about the higher, spiritual ideas, galactic federations, spiritual teachers, masters, all of them are powerless in the moment when you are falling into this deep sleep which stops the working of the minds and when the life force shuts down, withdraws. For a moment, all that you will know is the nothingness before you; relentless, constant – right before it turns off your perception of it. Repeating the name of god, Allah, Krishna, Shiva, Jesus, won’t do any good, just as it didn’t in those moments when you were falling into deep sleep. That which is able to repeat a name, to believe, to imagine, will be shut down, momentarily.
Hope in reincarnation will disappear together with hope in chakras, kundalini shakti, advice from spiritual masters. Mantras won’t help, visualizations will shut down, god will hide. You will remain alone with yourself, without anyone inside you, without power, strength, projection. Only you, and the moment you are shutting down. Just like in deep sleep. There is no you. There is only deep sleep, but you conclude it was deep sleep only after you wake up, then you know you were in it.
Some say Samadhi is like deep sleep. In a way, yes. In the way that you don’t know that you are you, in the way that there is no one to judge his own position. When the sight of internal perception focuses on this emptiness, emptiness turns it off, for sight cannot see into emptiness, nothingness. This moment is familiar to all of you, and unlike the moment in deep sleep you wake up from, you do not wake up from this other one. The person you have been WILL NEVER EXIST AGAIN.
Yes, this is obviously your last life, I know. Many come to me with this idea and, believe it or not, I confirm it, now you know why. Your interests, likes, loves, apprehensions, projections shall NEVER AGAIN BE YOU. The PERSON of you DIES FOREVER. The idea of soul, for which you hope will survive, is like any other idea which survives when you enter deep sleep. Or does it? Have you forgotten? IT’S NOT THERE. So, the soul, for which you don’t even know what it means, speculation and convincing yourself of having it aside. Gurdjieff said that soul needs to be developed. He lied.
There is no such thing as a “soul”, in the way you imagine it. There is a program which runs on its own, and which isn’t you but gives you the impression of being you. A wonderful trick of Reality as a way of binding you to do its bidding, to do what it considers important, necessary. That man, Gurdjieff, has also told you that it matters who eats you, the sun or the moon. You thought he was joking, scaring you into working on yourself. Yes and no. What he said is true, someone will eat you, but who? If you are a person, the moon will eat you, if you are consciousness, then the sun will eat you. No matter what you might achieve, someone will feed on you. Most spiritual people will be eaten by the moon since the moon had created a spiritual personality, as a delicacy. Those few who had achieved something will be eaten by the sun, for the sun had created those ideas, those people, consciousness. Cosmology speaks of this. But no one sees it, nor wants to see it. The question is: what remains? What is it that remains that you’re able to identify with?
Nothing. That’s all that remains. This “nothing” isn’t you because it swallows you up even in a deep sleep. As I said, if you are lucky you will have this experience during life. A moment will come when, against your own volition, power or desire, you will fell what it’s like. I’m not talking about some imaginary self-realization you might have, but of a real moment in which the minds instantly shut down; when during those ordinary, daily or nightly browsing through memories and pleasant feelings while you are trying to fall asleep – suddenly and instantly, the minds shut down. And the point of perception, which is perceiving all this for a brief moment, which is having that “experience” – is also suddenly shut down. For a split second it sees the nothingness all around, the dying out, and can do absolutely NOTHING about it.
It tries to hold on to something, for the feeling of existence, a mantra, a god, but all in vain, for in that moment no god exists; no mantra works; no master can help you. You are here for a fraction of a second, and then, nothing. You might be a passionate believer, a great spiritual guy, a humble servant of an imaginary god of an imaginary tradition, as you are in your imaginary life – but none of it helps in that moment. (You know this, but you’d rather you didn’t.) Those who know themselves, those who had experienced self-realization, that mystical rapture as they describe it (and lie), that feeling of bliss, pureness of consciousness or whichever description they serve you – the awakened ones don’t call it that way – they know what I’m talking about and are probably reading this with a grin. They know that there is no human, no person who has realized himself. Such a thing doesn’t survive the realization of self, the awakening.
It isn’t you; it isn’t yours, nor has it ever been yours. Very often, those who come to me say that they are ready for whatever will be asked of them. Hmm.. Trust me, I know who is saying this, what is saying it, and it’s not the one who is working on himself nor the one who will survive death. Just saying, don’t use it against me for being contradictory. There is nothing to survive death. It’s nothing but a lie of religion, spirituality and masters in order to comfort you. Religion, spirituality and esoteric are but lies aiming to comfort you by a sense of security that you are seeking all along and calling it MEANING.
Self-realization means realizing there is no you. On the surface, there are movements of thoughts, emotions, processes focused around an imaginary “I” which isn’t yours, for you don’t know how to create it or maintain it – it happens “spontaneously”, owing to the forces of this universe. I will not try to describe what it is that remains during this realization, but it looks like the nothingness which swallows you up when you fall into deep sleep. With one important difference, you have no active part in the extinguishing. You are extinguished by Nothingness; it extinguishes its projection of you. To be honest, religion, spirituality and esoteric describe this moment correctly, they point at it, but they trick you with word order and meaning. Since you lack objective perception, objective seeing, you fool yourself into thinking that you will experience nothingness, god, existence, heaven. This happens because only objective seeing can see what is really written, what they are pointing at, the same as in a Tantric saying “Understanding I am Brahman means understanding the True Nature”.
This awakening, a hot topic and a carrot the manipulators are dangling in front of you, manipulating with your fears, hopes and desperation, tricking you into embarking on this path – is not what you imagine. It’s not what you really want. Those dangling it the most are those who had not even “experienced it”, who have no idea what it means, who have PERHAPS experienced the awakening of Agya and mistook it for the real thing. The moment when you feel unification with everything IS NOT AWAKENING. It is the awakening of Agya, if it’s FOR REAL, but many manipulate with this. Your greatest teachers, masters, sacred scriptures, all of it is manipulation, postmortem pathology. You can take a light stance regarding this or you can be negative, IT’S ALL THE SAME. Perhaps you can imitate false equanimity, “indifference” as a false sattwic trait, all the same. Confronting what remains, losing all that you know, all the good with all the bad (and good and bad don’t exist, remember) means dying during life.
You will become a jivanmukta, they say. They lie. You will become nothing, just as you are nothing now. That will stop being interested in you, That will cease being you. This whole time you are being given wrong directions, wrong instructions. But it’s what we’ve asked for, isn’t it? We didn’t ask for realization, awakening, meaning. We asked for a sense of security, of a continuation of life i.e. immortality. What we asked for is imaginary meaning, immortality of the “I am” feeling, that sense of “existence” you “have”, feeling of power, strength, pleasure. It is these things that are trying to survive, and when all goes down, when life shows you that it has no meaning, that it’s all a lie and you’re not important, you come to the doorstep of some spiritual guy, a Master, a lineage teacher (special breed of fakers) and seek the meaning of it all. You wish to become spiritual, realize yourself, unite with god. This is pathology, not spirituality. But they told you that this is spiritual, that you are god given, that god is calling you, that you have been recognized as a soon-to-be awakened being. Even authentic masters do this shit.
It’s not that they have recognized you, for they know you are nobody, nothing, that you are merely conceited. What they recognize is that the time has come for the Emptiness within you to awaken. It is for this they are preparing you. But not in the way I have described. It’s not that it’s “within you”, but we lack a better term. God fell asleep in man and is dreaming to be man. This is interesting, if you get it. If you put “emptiness”, “nothingness”, “reality”, “consciousness without attributes” (gunas) instead of “God” then it gets even more interesting, because “god” is a character you gave reality to. I’m not talking about the Force maintaining all this, but of your ideas of god. Of what religion, spirituality, esoteric speak, an image of god they sold, one we happily bought into. (Worst of all, the word “god” in religion doesn’t mean what they told you, doesn’t designate the God you imagine, the God your priest taught you to imagine.)
So called atheists are in no way better off, they are a special breed of idiots. They are attached to an even worse layer, but never mind, they too die, just like you, like us. Death which is prepared for them is a bit worse, yours is a bit better and – THERE ARE NO PREPARATIONS. It is what it is, no meaning, no value, sense or senselessness.
They told you that all is illusion, maya. Then they told you that tantrics don’t talk that way, the tantric teaching says all is Absolute, all exists and there is no illusion. Yet both are lies. Two kinds of lies with the aim of lying up, instead of waking up. Neither are right, these are lies, sugarcoated according to the taste of tradition they are coming from. All is an illusion, and at the same time all is the Absolute and thereby real. And since you don’t understand what they are talking about, you keep adding what you like, your own projections. This isn’t an illusion; WE ARE AN ILLUSION. All is the ABSOLUTE, but we are not in it, for we are its dream. Realizing this, experiencing it is awakening. Making a mantra out of it, imagining it, that is lying to oneself. And since there is not “self”, don’t worry, it bears no significance.
Awakening doesn’t mean the dream will disappear, but that you’ll be awake in the dream. You are no longer sleeping and buying spiritual products, whichever spirituality that may be. I know what is it in you that’s parroting spiritual sayings; who is it in you that’s seeking; I know who you are for I know who I am, I see your dream because I see my dream, but unlike you I don’t believe my dream. I know it’s a dream, I know I am a dream, I know what Reality is, and it has nothing to do with the person describing all this. The idea of awakening is a wonderful, pleasant dream for me. Even this idea no longer lives within me. Am I selling spiritual dreams? Why yes, of course. Am I selling spiritual meaning? Of course. Am I selling manipulation? Of course. As long as there is demand there will be supply. Is there anything in it for me? Of course not.
Some came to talk to me, saying others have told them (it’s always those damn others) that working with me will take away their soul. Yes, of course. And, of course not. You have no soul. You have an idea of soul. You have a program imagining having a soul. That’s what the work takes away from you. When you realize there is no soul, there is no you, there is no meaning, that is joy, ecstasy, bliss. And it’s not yours, it’s not you. It’s a moment when you relax and understand. Maybe that’s a soul?!
When that which is takes off its self-imposed shackles, like in some cosmic joke, and realizes that all of it was imagination, lie, illusion; when it realizes that it has never been in some small, insignificant (or perhaps significant) body, in a human mind, a spiritual mind – it grins at its dream, just like you grin at your nightmare after you wake up. (the signs are everywhere). Then perhaps, like Nisargadatta, Ramana, Gurdjieff you say: I was never born nor will I ever die, this isn’t me, this isn’t mine; I am Gurdjieff and I will never die (if he said that anyway); or you simply become still like the Buddha, with a smile of his face, knowing the illusion to the bone. Perhaps.
Death. A full stop on us. The point beyond which there is no idea of reincarnation. The point beyond which no idea of spirituality can pass. Because we can’t pass beyond it. It is the death of a person who imagined it can do something, that it has value, meaning. The wise ones have said that death is what gives meaning to life. That’s a good one. Death doesn’t give a dead rat’s ass about any meaning we gave it out of fear. Death is simply death. There is no meaning in it, behind it, in front of it. Anyways, what is it that’s real, what is it that disappears with death? The living is never born, never dies, never lives the bodily or mental life. That which is alive “in you”, and is not you, are not you, is not bound by the life of dream or projection; is not bound by fear of death; is not mortal, nor has any idea of death. Even this has been said in some scriptures. It’s a pity you didn’t take it literally. The feeling of Existence that you have, is not yours, is not you. It is an expression of the Living which is you. But you are never a part of it. You are its dream.
We say that you’re asleep, dreaming, need to wake up. You think we say this to you. No. We say it to THAT which is living, which has fallen asleep and is dreaming a dream of you, your life. You misunderstood everything. They had misunderstood it and then they passed it on wrongly. Seeking a true master is seeking true death. A master, if authentic, is death for the student – this is one meaning, or role, of a guru. It’s just a role, a gig, a stage-play in which you want to spend your life, seeking meaning beyond it, beyond yourself. Realizing your “self” means realizing there is no you. That there are thoughts, processes, emotions, but THAT IS NOT YOU, is not THE ONE WHO SEES: this is the first step of gradually awakening THAT which LIVES as you. Perhaps that will fall asleep once more, repeat the so called incarnation, but it’s not you. Just like you have trouble getting up in the morning, fall asleep again, wake up etc., so does THAT get up in the morning, falls asleep, wakes up, gets late for work (the idea of reincarnation). THAT veils itself in programs as soon as it gets up (new incarnation?); the programs of a person who has a house, job, kids, parents, pets. Just like you awake from last night’s sleep and wear the inner garments, rituals, mental-emotional programs, body, and clothes and go to work or walk your pets.
Now, there is a trick in all this. Feeling it through the intellect means depression, pain, a moment without emotion. Feeling it emotionally is LIFE. Some, most, experience it through the intellect and fall into depression, cut out their whole life and wake up in a new dream yet dry, empty, powerless, as most awakened ones are. They lack emotion – I am not talking about what you take to be emotion, about the vital. When you experience this EMOTIONALLY, with the feeling of being and existence, it’s like a SPICE giving taste to a dish. You feel be-ing – for the lack of a better term – you know all of this, you are intoxicated with Bhava, pervaded with it up to the smallest atom of body, and IN THE SAME WAY you have the experience of death.
You experience it emotionally, being permeated with what they call SELF (not the person as self). Without dream, dreaming. Complete, whole, meaningfully meaningless, constant without existing, with person without a person. If you experience it without intellect you get a sentimental, yet awakened, idiot, like Mooji for example; lacking the intellectual ability to explain what’s it all about. When I asked my former Master what he did after experiencing awakening, he said (although he lied, but It doesn’t matter): “I went for a cup of coffee.” Perhaps you will change the aquarium water for your dog, make your cat fly, and take the goldfish for a walk. It doesn’t matter. You will become so ordinary – this is an idealization – that the ordinary folk wouldn’t want to be like you. You will wait for death to come, you might get a bit ill in the process, have an accident, get cancer, kidney failure, loose half of you head – but why give meaning to any of it? As Richard Bach says in “Illusions”:
Use It or Lose It.
If you turned to this page,
you’re forgetting that what is going
on around you is not reality.
Think about that.
Remember where you came from,
where you’re going, and why you created
the mess you got yourself into in the first place.
You’re going to die a horrible death, remember.
It’s all good training, and you’ll enjoy it
more if you keep the facts
Take your dying with some seriousness, however.
Laughing on the way to your execution
is not generally understood by less advanced
life-forms, and they’ll call you crazy.
Death. Is it the end? Of what? Of whom? Really?
Yes, it is. The end of a program. Of no one. Really.
You are afraid of it? No need. There’s nothing you can do. Can a teaching or a master be of any help? No, they can’t, that’s just a comfort to get you through life and what you call yourself. Well what’s the point of a teaching then? There is no point regarding you. The point is that God awakens from the dream of man. But you aren’t God, sorry. Wtf am I doing here, then? Excellent question, move along, don’t waste time on any of this. Are you the right man for my Work? I am not a man; I am a program who had realized what it is. Therefore, I am not the right man for your work, you’re at the wrong address. Well then, I’m off to see another master (i.e. manipulator, vendor in the spiritual marketplace), you suck. Thank you and farewell. (Gets up and takes goldfish for a walk.)
Is this the kind of truth you want to hear when you come to a Master, a spiritual guy, a guru, to an ashram or a monastery? Of course not. You want a new dream. A spiritual dream. An awakened dream. You get a technique, a name, mantra, yantra, meaning and go on your way, leaving a few hundred dollars for the maintenance of the ashram, Master, guru. Then you set up your own little yoga class, meditation class, you sell the dreams you had bought into, fuck some idiot or a crazy bitch while calling it tantric sex; or go celibate since that is the party line of your school or lineage. All the same. Come tomorrow, death. Don’t worry. It doesn’t worry about you.
We don’t want truth. It is too painful. What we want is a new dream. (scheme). The old dream, the old scheme is suffocating, dirty, smelly. The new one will be better. Feel free to throw in healthy living, vegetarianism, veganism, fight for animal rights, human rights, plant rights, vaccines; desire for awakening, a soul mate, awakeness, work, spirituality, god, devil, angels, channeling – anything you want. The list goes on and I have a goldfish to take for a walk. But ALL OF YOU KNOW that when death knocks at your door THERE WILL BE NO MORE YOU. I know that you know, that’s why you are afraid of it. And that’s why some intelligent masters called for dying during life. Or for dying before death, as the song goes.