Back when I met my Master some 24 years ago, after a few meetings he told me something that surprised me. He said that I have only five or six months until “awakening”, that I have already stepped into this state – it was a time of very strange experiences and of losing my personality – but that I have one big problem. I lack foundation. He compared it to the tower of Pisa, said that I have built the “height” but no foundation, and that the bulk of his work with me will be on building foundation. His other remark was that if I were to experience awakening now or within the next six months I would either die or end up in a loony bin. Because of this, he added, he will prolong those six months onto seven years of Work so that I might create internal foundation that will be able to endure the “experience” of awakening.
This is how the hell of Work broke loose. Retracing steps, confronting life and myself, from which I had previously happily escaped into spirituality and techniques.
A year and a half later he said that the danger of death in case of awakening is now gone, but there remains the danger of cancer. A year after that, he said that the danger of getting a deadly disease has passed, but that if I leap into that state now there is the danger of getting a serious and incurable illness. This was some three years after our first encounter. My problem, or his, was that it wasn’t clear what any of this meant? What does “foundation” mean, what does it mean that I might die, go crazy, become deadly ill, or seriously and incurably ill? Why would I die, go mad or get ill? Spirituality, at least what passes for spirituality, doesn’t talk about these things. It’s a taboo. You can find bits here and there where great Masters had mentioned such things, but you can hardly pin point what it’s all about and why.
It is our esteemed opinion that it’s enough to awaken, become enlightened, awake, and that’s it. During my spiritual career, before I abandoned all spirituality and what passes for spirituality when I found my master, I have been doing basic practice according to Satyananda and Anandamurti. Though there are differences between them, the basic sadhana and advice is similar. Both talk of strong foundation. In his books Satyananda has described consequences of various systems of awakening and later I found these descriptions, stolen and used with a completely different meaning than the one he had intended. Clearly, the entire spiritual scene, or almost entire, is based on lies, manipulation, wrong foundations, wrong basis. His warnings about pranayama and kriya regarding the symptoms which are experienced are now used by various mentally unstable people hiding behind the cover of spirituality in order to highlight their personal value, significance and progress, while these symptoms of awakening have nothing to do with what they are doing. Btw, Sadananda’s kriya is given in a wrong form and I wouldn’t recommend anyone to do any kind of kriya no matter who’s it is, since the knowledge of kriyas is lost. Each sadhana has its own symptoms of awakening, waking up, full realization, the symptoms are not the same for different teachings and sadhanas.
Satyananda, Anandamurti, Aurobindo and those like them will all tell you that prior to any experience of a higher consciousness you must have a strong foundation, strong basis on which to build your sadhana and thereby a future experience. It doesn’t matter which teaching that is, what the sadhana, practice, Work, is. The foundation, the basis is what matters. When you have strong foundation, strong basis for any experience then its appearance and its consequences – which is why you need foundation – are fairly safe. This doesn’t mean there won’t be any crises. On the contrary, crises are a part of the path. But, if a crisis falls on an unstable personality, on unstable emotions, an unstable man without a foundation it will be his collapse, he will break under crisis and be unable to recover. His psyche will be destroyed or damaged, and any further work would lead to its deterioration. To deterioration of that person, his health and life.
The foundation is not the same for everyone, although the basics of foundation are. Crises are specific, though they are similar. The difference is in nuances, but very important nuances. If the one who is working with you doesn’t know what you are doing, if you are keeping it secret from him, doing things on your own, then when crisis appears or you come to the breaking point, he won’t be able to pull you out. For he won’t know what you have been doing, the way you have been doing it; he doesn’t know on what grounds your work fell etc. And your entire fate lies in his hands.
Of course, spiritual newbies don’t believe in this, until they reach breaking point, and then they seek salvation anywhere, but in vain. Later, if they recover, they continue in the same way.
I had a few cases like this, even though I gave warning in time. For example, I warned one guy not to do a certain kriya but he persisted and even came to me bragging about his experiences, until a strong crisis and “fall” (breaking) occurred. Then he came to me to pull him out of it. In the end you will, PERHAPS, be able to pull out one of every few dozen who come. Most of the time they are unable to work on themselves anymore and are banned any kind of spirituality. They, of course, refuse to listen and, in the end, there remains a single experience for the rest of their life, if they survive.
The experience of being in a psychiatric institution. A few of them end up killing themselves. I had a dozen of people close to me who ended up like this. And I can’t say they didn’t have strong foundation. But there remained a “hole” in their foundation and that “hole” led to death being the only way out. That which lacked foundation, things that were skipped in their work, brought about the “breaking” of foundation and in the end, death. A few of them experienced madness as diagnosis, while suicide, i.e. death followed only after a few years.
In the moment you start working on yourself all “beasts” will come out and lay claim to you. Those beasts, demons, are yours. They are you in a specific aspect, and most often it is an un-purified and un-stable vital (emotions). The “foundation” of identification lies in the vital part of the mind, in the vital mind or center. What causes a great fall, a break of foundation or the structure that you had built, relates to strong identification. When such identification, movement, un-conscious structure suddenly bursts out from your “subconscious” it causes great instability, pain, suffering, fear, powerlessness, crisis. If the teaching, its ideas, trust in the teaching, trust in your Master, trust in the goal you are aspiring to, God, are not are encompassing this crisis, and if they don’t take charge, the crisis appearing because of identification causes tremendous pain and suffering, and for many it will be the cause of the final breakdown or in the end, death. Each of your personality traits may be the cause of a breakdown or crisis. It really doesn’t matter which trait it is.
For a time, I have been using the expression “one foot in the grave”. I coined this expression based on what I was seeing in my disciples and in those who came to talk to me. Every man, when he steps on the next step, digs his own grave in front of him. Or he moves the old grave. In other words, he makes a trap to fall in. This trap is his death or madness. The trap is built on the things he is running away from internally, and that thing he is running away from becomes his grave in one moment, a hole to fall into.
The goal is to come to the end of the path in one piece, give or take. There is no such thing as a healthy, safe or good life in Work on oneself. This is the delusion of spirituality. NO ONE EVER came to the end of the path “in one peace”. That is the price that needs to be paid. Perhaps someone made it, but I’ve never heard of him nor met him. The goal is harm-reduction, reduction of the price to be paid upon coming to the end, attaining the goal. Research the Masters you respect, find me one who had not paid the price. Find one of them who did not have damages. One who came to the end of the Path, awakening, liberation, in one peace and good health. But do your research, don’t be fooled by descriptions of their disciples, for they idolize and hide such skeletons in the closet. They do it because such things are wrongly perceived. Damages of the body are irrelevant and are common, even damages of psyche, up to a certain point, are irrelevant. No one ever came to the gates of death, after finishing his whole path, without a single damage. Aspiration to self-knowledge, awakening, liberation doesn’t imply a healthy lifestyle, vegetarianism, veganism or whatever. These things have nothing to do with work or liberation. If these are your goals then safety, a good life, pleasure, self-contentment are your goals, but not self-study, facing the processes, reactions, self-knowledge.
Another term, one we used at my Master Sah, was “legs of glass”. Exactly like “the tower of Pisa” – You have the height, you have experiences, but you are leaning on legs made of glass. Your whole experience of the higher is leaning on glass legs, bound to break under any stronger “wind”. If you are on “legs of glass”, you are “one foot in the grave”. If an earthquake happens, and it will, it will break your legs of glass or push you into the grave if you are standing on its brink. In some people I have seen they are almost two feet in the grave. This is the end. Nothing can be done anymore, for such a man won’t listen and has no intention of hearing what you have to say. The ones with only one foot in the grave won’t listen either, but something still might reach them.
Anyways, what then is a “strong foundation”, a “good anchor”, “anchor of quality”, “strong legs”?
I am reluctant to tell you. Because knowledge someone tells you is NOT your knowledge, and we all know how the human mind works. It receives information and gets conceited thinking that now it knows and all is well. Up until the first crisis comes, or a mere shaking of grounds, which shows that you lack foundation, that you have nothing to lean on – your legs are of glass.
The best example of “legs of glass”, “the grave in front of you” and of a “weak anchor” I can give you is my own. In form of questions: “What was my Work based on? My aspiration to work on myself, to be spiritual, to do a form of sadhana (practice)? The answer, the thing they were based on was precisely my foundation. On what do you base your work, your spirituality, your idea of the goal you are aspiring to?
Another question that may provide an answer is did you replace this foundation with something stronger, with armored concrete? And, from where did you take this armored concrete, this rock on which you are building your house, this structure that fills in your foundation? Is there any of the old foundation left in you, any of the old motive for the search, Work, sadhana, spirituality? What is that which is left? For that which remained is a hole in the system, a hole in foundation, the lack of foundation, legs of glass, a dug grave in front of you. Getting the picture?
Into which part of yourself have the ideas of the teaching you belong to, teaching that you use as a tool of self-knowledge – not entered? Those things into which ideas haven’t entered will be your “fall”, “breakdown”, “death”, “madness”, “suicide”.
And another thing. Are you self-made in a worldly way? Have you achieved adulthood regarding life, enough life experience? Don’t lie to yourself. Mere amount of experience doesn’t equal being experienced life wise. It only means you have a certain amount of experience, not necessarily that you are an adult in life. If you do have that maturity, what then are you doing in systems that are providing you value, worth, meaning, acceptance, love you never got from your parents? Are you piecing the puzzle?
What do you expect from your Master? From your teaching? From enlightenment? What is it supposed to give you? Honestly? (I so hate when you start a sentence with “honesty”, since then I know that you are lying.)
What will you gain when you wake up, realize yourself on the Path; with what you acquire on the path, gain when “God glances upon you?” Love, self-respect, meaning, justice, rightness, self-confidence, value, worth, validation that you are worthy as a human being, as a person, as human? What else do you get?
Imagine the end of your Path. You have woken up. Realized yourself, realized your life. God has glanced upon you and said: “My son / daughter!” Did you get “all is illusion”, “you are worthy”, “I love you”, “ rightness permeating your un-fair life”, “the value of belonging”, “confidence for He has your back”, “protection”, “safety”, “superiority”, a sense that “now you have meaning and purpose” – what did you get?
My dears (I so love this spiritual sucking up), the thing that you got is your “grave”, your “legs of glass”, your madness and possible death. This is precisely your “lack of foundation”, your lack of anchor. These are the things you refuse to look at and say “Hello, my name is so and so, and I am a spiritual junkie, I am the grave I had dug up for myself.” This is what you need to come clean about or else it will be your “fall”, “breakdown”, madness or death. For YOU WON’T GET ANY OF IT.
Actually, you will. In the form of a crisis, as “shaking of grounds”. You will not be able to go through it, pass through it; it will identify you to point where all you have been doing, believing, trusting – breaks. And you remain alone with yourself.
A crisis begins, a conflict which will cause illness, accident, madness or death. You are alone, it comes suddenly, and you are powerless. These are the basis of a biological conflict (*TN: See German New Medicine for more info on biological conflict.) The location of the conflict will be the location where an organ breaks, where the psyche breaks, and there will be brain damage. Your biology, from which you are trying to runway, will be your weak foundation.
In terms of biology, in my case it was a “lack of self-confidence”. I, as a person, as a man, as a so and so, have no value. A complete Self-doubt. All my knowledge, all my life experience and spiritual experience, none of it has any power or value because I as a person am not worth anything. My whole life was telling me this, my dad was telling me this, my mom was showing me this, my classmates were confirming this to me. This was the cause of all my crises. I, as a person, a man, am worth nothing. And I have been waiting for God, Master, dad, to tell me: “you are worthy my son, we accept you for who you are”. Next, of course, comes a hug and tears all around validating this vulnerability and reclaimed worth while any remaining doubts are breaking down, etc.
As you probably assume, none of this ever happened. Dad never told me he respects me or loves me unconditionally, accepts me for who I am. God never took pity on me. My Master would bitch-slapped me when I asked for it. And yet, it did happen. It happened when I had the “experience” of awakening. It was wonderful. Just as the texts describe: Bliss, Consciousness, Purpose, God, One, and the like. (this was not awakening but an experience of savikalpa samadhi, as spiritual people would say, which is not the same thing.) The breakdown happened when I came back. When all I have been trying to run away from burst out and said: “I have been waiting for you my son.”
How could have that happen? How could have that demon remain alive? How come I never saw that part, and I have seen and confronted many demons? Quite simply, this is the demon I have been working from. He was my foundation. It was him who wanted me to wake up, to see, to know. Why? For he was my motive, the goal was reflecting him, but I didn’t see it. When this ancient father who had created me, this “god” and my creator came and said, “I have been waiting for you my son” – there was nothing left in me but a mere memory of the “experience”. And this memory was not nearly strong enough to prove to me that I do have value. I mean, who is the idiot who had the experience everyone aspires to, or so they say, if not him? But I did not see that back then. All my observing, self-confidence, practice, hours and hours of self-study, ideas of the Work, will, trust, all went down the drain in a split second. And I remained alone, powerless, suddenly and out of the blue. A biological conflict.
Since this was a conflict about self-confidence it hit the locomotor system: bones, ligaments, connective tissues. They pertain to value, the foundation of person and its worth. This is what gets damaged if one lacks self-worth. Biology is a wonder. It imitates and directs the whole spirituality. Not your spiritual stories, karmas, samskaras, witnesses, consciousness and the like. You won’t get knocked down by a lack of will, consciousness, determination, various seeds, trust, faith. No. The demon you had ran away from will knock you down. Which demon are you running away from? He is your grave, legs of glass, lack of maturity, the Tower of Pisa. Nowadays, I prefer the term “maturity”. Spirituality, as it is, doesn’t provide maturity. It tries to skip it. Maturity is the result of boldly confronting your demon.
I named a couple of demons, look up the rest yourselves. It is them, they just hid behind the “ego”, behind the purpose of the work, behind your Master’s skirt, god, enlightenment. And this demon is your fall, breakdown, madness and death. That which you hide from yourself and which makes the basis of your motivation toward something is the hiding place of your demon, of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. And when they ride into your life no one and nothing can help you anymore. Unless you had created strong foundation, a strong anchor. And this is created by self-confrontation with the demon you are running away from.
Demon is your friend; the one you hide in the shadows under your bed. You hid him perfectly, you disguised him. He hides in the “soul mate”; in the “guru”; in “god”; in dad who never accepted you; mom who beat you and told you what you need to become (what do you think beating kids is for?); in the man or woman you want in order to work on yourself and work on relationships; in values, righteousness, meaning, love, acceptance, etc. These are the true motives of your search, the real purpose of your life, your biology. Biology is our god. For it determines whether you will become a pilot, an attorney, a doctor, a manual worker, a miser, a desperate housewife, a guru, a farmer, a vegetarian etc. You yourself decided NOTHING, although you like to think otherwise to console yourself.
ALL OF IT HAPPENED to you. And everything keeps happening to you still. Maybe fancying that you are the controller of your life and destiny, that you pull all the strings is your demon. He will knock you down. Trust me. You are not stronger than your biology. You are its slave. This is what the demiurge is, what false god, archons, demons, witches are. Even if you enter all of this and confront the “dark side” in you – from that wrong motive – it won’t do you any good. I have tried this; I have been living it for a few years. It didn’t work. That “embrace your darkness” thing, “embrace your light”, all of it is crap, merde (Excuse my French, though it does sound more sophisticated in French.)
If you want to see what confronting a demon looks like, get a dog. That simple. And then, when he starts having tantrums, gets scared, don’t console him or hug or save him. Put him in his place, express your authority in your space for he is a guest in it, that space doesn’t belong to him. Express your alpha male-ness, but watch what he is going through discreetly. The trembling, fear, impotence, pain, suffering, the attempt to catch your glance and get away from that fear, pain, and into your embrace. If the latter happens, it was all for nothing. You are back to square one and have to do it all over, the harder way. This will show you how to confront your own demon, your grave, legs of glass.
You are not worthy, you have no value, daddy will NEVER validate you for if he should have, he would have; you will never hear what you want from your Master, nor from God. God tends to keep quiet, interesting stuff. – I have tried picking a fight with him, threatening, blackmailing, and all the rest, but it never worked. He kept silent. Just like you will keep silent, calm, as if nothing is happening when you put your dog in his place to face his demon. If you feel sorry for him, compassion, love, if you give him support and attention he will run away from his demon, which is dangerous for you. The dog will not confront and will, just like we do, run away from his demon.
If you have a dead Master, all the better – he can’t put you in your place. It is also nice if he lives far away and you only see him once every three years. Then he has no idea what kind of idiot he is working with and you have all the potential to go bananas. A living master is not desirable. For he will put you in your place, keep silent and feel perfectly fine while you are trembling, crying, threatening, complaining, feeling sorry for yourself – and will wait for the crisis to pass.
Now, since you see that he is “cool” and unbothered by your “near death experience”, you might even get through this crisis. He might take your wife to his bed or send your husband to bed with another woman; pick a younger and prettier girl to sit by his side, wash his feet, nurse his wounds, instead of you. He might praise someone who is unworthy while regarding all your accomplishments as insignificant etc. Praise the Lord for such Masters, for they aren’t selling ice to Eskimos but keep pushing you to the core of crisis.
I’ll give you another example of my own confronting a demon, though a wrong one, not the real one. I went through five years of war in the Balkans. I signed up voluntarily at 17. I’ve seen many battlefields, tearfully sent off many colleagues to their final journey, made even more friends; I have lain behind enemy lines, sat in a car under “enemy” flags, drank coffee with killers; hang out with “mean warriors and mercenaries”, shot out of and used all weapons I could get my hands on. Only a submarine, the navy and atomic bomb never aimed at me, everything else either fired at me or hunted me down over the Balkans scenery. Of course, I was meditating like crazy, doing my sadhana and studied the sacred books, the words of the masters, both known and unknown. I kept by the rules of Vedic teaching, tantric teachings (though at that time I knew nothing of tantra and took them to be yoga.); sat for hours meditating on the Absolute etc.
I went to war because I was afraid. I wanted to destroy the one who was afraid. Later I called this “psychological fear.”
So, instead of confronting the psychological fear, I confronted physical fear. I won’t get into how many lives I have saved, how I pulled out almost a whole platoon, all of it is bull. But I did learn how to keep going, one step at a time, when I am scared. How to remain with fear when I am the last one in trench while the “enemy” is surrounding me. To accept that “tomorrow is my day”, to wonder “which bullet is mine” every day, to always keep one bullet for shooting myself in the head if I get out of options. All of this made me confront fear. Except that one fear. The most important one that had caused all of this. The fear of personal insignificance, unworthiness, of self-doubt as a human being.
Those who know me know that I can send everything to hell; friends, life, comfort, material values, without even blinking. I have no friends, no love, no soul mate, no angels, I don’t have “my god”, or a guru, I sent them all to hell. What I didn’t know was that I should send to hell the one who is the motive for doing so. One whose motive was wrong and who had caused all this, who had put me in each of those places but never on the right spot. For he was protecting himself. That great guru Saturn, the Demon who pushes you right into the thing you are running from, who throws in your face the very thing you doubt the least, you. He is the real guru. He has no sacred scriptures, no holly books, no merciful speech. What he has is situation, in which he pushes you but doesn’t tell you it was him. And he is you.
It was him waiting for me after each higher, “spiritual” experience, telling me: “You have no value.” “You are nobody”. “God doesn’t love you; father will never tell you what you want him to.”. He will bring you into a situation. For each of us the situation is what we are trying to run away from. Clearly, we don’t see it for we are it. He is me and I, as personality, am him.
Sometimes I call this “the mark of the beast”. (link). Look it up. You can’t run from that mark; it is your wrong foundation.
Of course, we can always give some higher purpose to all this but that would be lying. Nothing but running from senselessness we don’t want to confront. When Mr. Demon comes, screw all the gods, gurus, teachings, will, determination, consciousness, faith, trust. They won’t work. They only work in the part where he is not around. Just stay with him. Hang out, grab a cup of coffee. Take him to bed for a quickie. This is your guru. Your god, your death, your grave, your madness, your suicide. Fuck all those wonderful tales you sell to others and yourself. They are fairytales, stories, parables. Their only purpose is to help you run away from yourself. If, by now, you still haven’t seen that you had RAN AWAY INTO spirituality, religion, awakening, you have seen nothing. Keep doing what you are doing, and fuck it, may Buddha, Jesus, Allah and Guru have pity on you, because nothing else will. It appears they are seldom of any help either, but let’s keep a light tone.
Staying alone with yourself, sitting and being aware of self and letting the demons come out. Seeing them, looking them CONSCIOUSLY in the face, without identifying. If needed, you can cry, shake and all the rest what the body will do – but you SHOULD NOT identify with it. You shouldn’t attach to what you see, hear, sense, feel, smell, taste, become aware of (as in the sixth sense.) Remaining with yourself. “Self” which is a demon, your lie about yourself, what you don’t want to see and confront. Just sit there with awareness, nothing more. Like a dog in front of a master, forbidden to move from his place until he either dies or goes through this crisis. THIS IS MERCY. The dog sees man, his master, his alpha (guru) sitting quietly and calmly, his will encompassing the whole space, unable to be broken by anything he, as a dog, might do.
This will is love, attention supporting him to go through uneasiness, anxiety, fear, powerlessness. Simply this will, nothing more, the command to “stay in his place” in the safe space his master, his owner, assigned to him. This is what you must assign to your vital mind. A space for it to lie on, be still, confront its rampage, fear, demons. This is the part you share with your dog – the vital mind. Your true master since YOU ARE NOT ITS MASTER. It is the place where you are most identified within a habit, a need, a trait you don’t even see or want to see. This is the mark of the beast, the dragon in you, the four riders of the apocalypse. Even if, by some miracle, awakening happens, this won’t go away but will become the source of trouble because awakening has nothing to do with your personality. Personality remains as it was, unless you pull that state down into the body, mind and new personality. Which next to no one is doing on spiritual scene nowadays.
I haven’t said anything about “strong foundation” but it wasn’t even my goal. I am not interested in copycats. You need to have copy rights and you won’t get them by copying. I will, though, reveal something else about my war days, the most important part. The part that did miracles others have witnessed but are still unclear on what really happened. Things like how we managed to stay alive, get out or were pulled out of dangerous situations as if we were guarded by angels, though not the ones you channel and think exist.
Back then I called it simply – GOD. I had so much trust in that God. Nowadays he is a bit more evolved, but even then he was doing his job so good that no one could have convinced me against Him and His Will. There were days when I wouldn’t eat even though there was food available because I have been a stupid vegetarian and as most vegetarians I was prone to starving next to perfectly good non-vegetarian food. So, my God had to provide food for me in very strange places, like in the middle of a snow-covered forest or in an abandoned house. Not just any kind of food for that matter, but hermetically sealed and ready for use, stuff like that.
My trust in Him was so deep that a guy was standing right above me with a shotgun, staring at me but didn’t see me because “He had told me” what to do. Or one time, a grenade fell right in front of me but didn’t go off. Another time I “heard a voice” calling me from a house and when I went there a grenade fell right where I had been standing previously and it blew everything up. For a time He would come to me every night in my dreams disguised as various saints, telling me what is to come, or simply watching me. Or when he came as Mother Mary and hugged me, preparing me for the following day which turned out to be deadly for most. Or when he made me go meditate at my designated hour even though I didn’t feel like it, and just a moment later He blew up the roof on which I had been standing with a tank grenade. Or when He told me how to stop the shooting so that we can extract our wounded, etc., etc.
This was the ONLY thing I had. A trust, so deep, that He is here. That my each and every moment is His Will. That everything that’s happening outside and inside of me is His Will, Grace, Love.
“He thinks of me” is what I would say to others when I was hungry, thirsty, sleeping in the snow on – 21 degrees Celsius, when I remained in the trench or was hidden behind a bush. Today of course, since He had evolved within me a bit, I tell these things a bit differently. Today I “know”, although not terribly precise, what that was back then. What would I say today about what was going on? I won’t tell you. As you know, I don’t like copycats. Having information won’t do you any good, so tough shit.
Today I know that this trust in Him gave me something. It gave me calmness, acceptance, unattachment, deep trust in His Force, ability to suffer patiently, rejection of haste, a psychic feeling (real emotion, not a vital one) that I am one with Him, boldness to look into emptiness of the barrel in front of me and trust Him come what may, joy, love in the moment I could have lost everything, knowledge that I am accepted just as I am with all my demons, knowledge that the demon is not stronger than me for he is me so he can’t be stronger, patience alongside suffering.
“Be still and know that I am God.” “You are His Son.” “You are Him in this body”, “God is your nature”, “Absolute and you are one”. The moment in which I gave up on myself and surrendered to this feeling was the moment that determined everything.
I had no will, no consciousness, resolve, seed, no knowledge I have now, no internal strength like now, I had nothing but trust. “He thinks of me” even when I am dying on the battlefield, when I am blown up by a grenade, when I step on a mine, when I am hungry. That’s what I had.
And then I lost it. It was a Gift I didn’t cherish. I threw it away, discarded it although no one told me so, but you know me, I’m famous for discarding things and my middle name is “Mr. Discarding”, if you didn’t know. (Or is it Mr. Sarcastic?) So instead, I turned to knowledge, intellect, rigid discarding, because He did not materialize in front of me or whatever and said: “I love you my son, and I accept you as you are”. And then I had to earn it back, the hard way. Harder than my days on the front? I don’t consider them particularly hard, and why do you think that is? Oops, I revealed the trick of crisis, of strong foundation unintentionally. Silly me.
That in which I believed, which I trusted deeply gave me the energy, the ability to sit and confront everything that comes before me.
A furious “enemy” and a good “friend” alike. Death knocking in the form of a knife, a shotgun or a grenade. The madness of personality breaking or cracking when you see you are “crazy”. Or, the moment when I held the gun pressed at my temple while trying to find a single confirmation that life makes sense. It came, in an unexpected manner. In the form of a friend knocking me out in the head. Or, as the news that we aren’t going into a suicide mission after all, which had been a done deal. Or, that friend who pulled me out of the railway tacks a second before the train came. That deep trust that “He is here, and He thinks of me.”
This made me remain calm, still, accept all that comes; remain unattached to what’s happening inside me; slow the pace, bow my head down, let the crisis go wild while I remain attached to one thing only – feeling myself as a part of the whole knowing that this too shall pass, so will the crisis, and that only THAT is real (God, Absolute, your deepest Nature or however you like to call it.) It made me accept even death if it is fated; stop being afraid of madness or threats; laugh in the face of a demon, look him straight in his eyes and say: “In your health my dear Beast”. (ah, so poetic. Have I mentioned I used to write poems for a while? They weren’t much but they were poems. What did you expect, a poet? Even this is already too much.)
The moment when personality went mad, and which caused body damage after my first “experience”, ended up exactly like this. I sat down and said: “Welcome dear Beast”. It was almost too late, but it worked. The madness after the first experience of awakening lasted for three months. Seven days of heaven and almost three months of hell. Perfect dosage. (just kidding.)
Imagine this, you get the Mercy of being in heaven for seven days. Awake, Awakened, you know everything, see everything. You feel your Nature, God validates you, you validate Him; you feel others, they open on their own in front of that Force. Love flows all around and then, out of nowhere, suddenly you remain alone and powerless in front of the Beast waiting for you. He takes it all away, to show you something else. You remain alone with yourself. With what you wanted to get away from into that “experience”. Obviously, no one had told me back then that this too is His Mercy.
My Master was nowhere around. And his advice “not to poke that which I have been poking” fell on deaf ears. I poked in a hole and flew into that state after only three years with him – instead of waiting seven years like he asked me to – and then I went back. In this madness and hatred for myself, that self which was NOT ABLE to remain in that State (since no one had told me you can’t remain in that state) I aggressively attacked the essence of myself. Even my own Nature that I had realized. Tough fuck, someone had to take the blame. Not just me. I told you nothing about hallucinations I was having at that period. I’ll leave it for some other time because this is already a long text, poetic, epic. Oh joy.
You remember, a biological conflict; alone, powerless, suddenly. My basic conflict was lack of self-acceptance and self-doubt in my value as a person, my life, man as I am. Whatever you get by any experience, even by the experience of awakening, will not resolve this. Resolution is not in awakening but in that from which you are running away from into awakening. I have been running away from lack of self-confidence, from doubt in myself as a human being. I have been imagining that awakening will give me these things, but full awakening has nothing to do with it. Even being awake doesn’t. These are just dreams we dream and from which we need to awaken, and finally confront. Each small awakening – yes, there are such things – conjures a demon to show itself. Well, nobody had told me! I wish they had. The fanatic I am, it would never come to this.
Yet, I was lucky in the way many weren’t. In the end I sat down and said „Even if I die, I will confront this. “ After two hours of sitting, it all disappeared. Have I released my demon from duty?
Well, not exactly. I weakened him but I haven’t resolved him. This came to me in next “experiences”. And of course, the demon changed his appearance, his function, although he was always revolving around the same thing. As you mature – something your gurus didn’t tell you – so does your demon mature. You think he remains stupid while you get more intelligent? Nope. Everything becomes more intelligent, even angels and demons. For they are you. When Shaktii awakens within you everything becomes stronger, more powerful, more intelligent. Everything. Your angels and demons included. And the battle will rage for years after Shaktii awakens. If you are lucky it will end in 15 – 20 years. Who will win, is the question? You, or demons and angels? It all depends on one thing. On whether you have built, created, founded strong foundation. And it is created through crises, falls, things you are running away from. Not through wonderful spiritual sayings, faith, false consciousness, talk of ego and the victory over ego for you don’t even see this ego – he is the one talking of ego.
The passage opens by COMPLETE CAPITULATION and surrender to Nature, come what may. Oh, let me tell you another of the demon’s tricks. The stronger you get, the more that you know the teaching and the more you use it, his attack will be stronger, because he appropriates your foundation in the teaching. The more you know of God, Angels, Demons, enlightenment, the more “higher experiences” you have, so does he. For he is you and you are him. This is the biblical “battle for the souls”. The wiser you get, the wiser he gets. The stronger you become the stronger he becomes. In the end, both you who know all this and he who also knows all of this must capitulate. BOTH of you. All your stories need to die with you and him. This is “crucifixion”, the “death of you” after which comes “resurrection”, if it comes. Then God in you awakens from the dream of you, from the dream of man. Then it is done. Not when you awaken. This is real awakening, final awakening. And many don’t survive it. Both you and the demon are too strong, and the only way out is for both of you to die, which happens to many on the path. Few survive the final awakening.
That’s why my dears, a bit of sucking up goes a long way, strong foundation gets you through your demon. Also, trust in the teaching, and working your ass off. All is necessary. Both Mr. Demon and God thy Lord. In the end, they both die, if you are lucky. And what remains is Reality, known as God, Consciousness, Brahman, You. So, sit down with Mr. Demon, have a drink, get to know each other, offer him your wife or husband, your nearest and dearest, your life if need be.
Patience, trust, self-awareness, self-confrontation, willingness to suffer, willingness to make peace, to say good bye to all that you know about yourself and others, for you will be alone, it will come suddenly and you will be powerless. When the force awakens, when Shaktii hurls toward Her Beloved let her do her FUCKING job. Obviously, none of your fantasies have anything to do with Force and Shaktii. She is death, trouble, pain, for she needs to pass through those regions of hell within you. And she will get through. And all the demons will come out to fight for the Dragon and against God. Fight to stop His Force, on which they live within you, from encountering the Living God. You need to get through this too, sorry.
But She is also His force in you. That is, which you? It is His Force, He himself. Shakti is Shiva. That gentlemen within you who is both demon and god. And you? Tough fuck, you are nobody and nothing, if you didn’t get it already. That is your true nature. Him, She, That, It. Deep capitulation without philosophy, theory and practice. Some call this surrender. I don’t. I call it capitulation for there is no-one to surrender to any-thing. No one to surrender, no one to be surrendered to. But there is something to capitulate.
“My God, my God, why hast Thou forsaken Me?” needs to turn into “Father, into Thy hands I commend My spirit.” Then, maybe, if it is necessary, if there is a point, Father, by some miracle awakens, comes to his senses as you. By some miracle, as I said, for there is no way from here to there. There is no instruction for it. There is only capitulation, powerlessness, aloneness, suddenness. You, your demon and your god all die on the cross, all three of you. All this talk of “ego”, “servants”, “spirituality”, “religion”, “faith”, “trust”, “consciousness”, “will”, “seed”, “teaching”, “angels”, “demons”, all of it is a lie, illusion, yourself included. When this illusion dies, disappears, fades into oblivion, what remains is your nature, God, Absolute, Brahman, Consciousness. You are intoxicated. Sober up. This is what it means to become Mature. Till then, you can do as you please, or what your gurus tell you to. It won’t work. But you will feel safe, valuable, accepted, you will be developing higher consciousness and God have Mercy on you, for it won’t work.
None of you, in my opinion, REALLY know why you need to do any of this. No one told you the trick. Why you have to do all these techniques, be conscious in every situation, develop trust (btw, you can’t actually “develop” trust like they told you..); fight against the illusory ego, tell your little stories etc.? Go ahead, ask them, and listen to the lie they serve. They don’t know either. They are asleep like you, like me. (I included myself so you can’t accuse me of egotism, superiority, the chosen one complex. And also to suck up your ass since you are weaklings and cunts who can’t accept that someone is above you.) (If you are having a reaction to this, get to know your demon, the real character that you are, the real cunt hiding behind the teaching and philosophizing.)
I will tell you another story, for “If you go on a spree, go the whole hog, including the postage.” like Gurdjieff said. I spent some twenty years in the gym, training martial arts. Now I know why, but anyway, if you haven’t figured it out, fuck you. (oops.) So one day I ask my Kung Fu master why the fuck am I learning all these various punches against a single strike from the opponent, when its questionable if I’ll be able to deal even a single punch once he attacks me. Obviously, I was polite, only now I am playing cocky. In fact, I posed the question extremely humbly because he was known to bitch-slap you, throw you out of the gym, ban you from training for a while, make you a laughing stock in front of everyone etc. I asked him almost ass-kissingly, like in the way I am writing to you now. He gave me a look under eyebrows. Those from Karlovac know this Kung Fu Master, Jovica Glogovac if I remember correctly, so you know what I’m talking about. I didn’t get bitch-slapped or thrown out of training. We were sitting in a bar on Korana river the night after training and he was in a good mood.
It is very important to put your Master in a good mood if you are going to ask stupid questions. Otherwise you are in for a mavashi, whether physical or psychological. For those who don’t know, mavashi is a semicircular foot kick best directed at the side of the head, if one is able. So, master laughed since he was in good mood and had a few drinks. He said: of course, you won’t be able, but one of these kicks will stick to your memory. It will enter your subconscious, become automatic. And it will pull you out, give you victory.
Well, that’s it. One of these things will stick and you will use them in a moment of crisis. Which one? No one knows. Psyche is weird.
I found out the answer in a fight, whether with an opponent, or a demon. One of those “kicks” I have been learning did stuck and it pulled me out. Same thing in the Work. Usually, it’s not the thing you tell everyone that you are doing, not the thing you brag about in spiritual conventions, on facebook, or in workshops. Usually it’s something you haven’t paid attention to, something which slipped into your subconscious discreetly. On its own, went right behind you. And it will save your head, both spiritual and physical (as if there is a difference, but let’s play along.)
There, I wrote a lot. Can’t say “I” or you’ll accuse me of ego hood, though that wouldn’t be of your own will, but let’s pretend it is. I love reading all that you write, all your cockiness. I love to laugh. It helps me collect substance to laugh at my own demon in a certain moment. I don’t believe you. I don’t believe your shit. And I also don’t believe this demon of mine, who likes to learn and parrot the axioms of Work. And since I know him, I also know your demon. They are the same lot. And I know that when the battle starts most of you won’t be there. Feel free to continue parroting spiritual sayings, storytelling, spiritual weightlifting. There will remain some poor little guy you don’t even notice and thank God for him. He will carry the whole battle on his shoulders. That poor little guy who isn’t there while you’re being cocky, a guy who is silent, humble, has a grain of trust, is patient, calm, quiet, passive. That guy.
Well praise the Lord if he is still living within you. He will carry through the whole foundation. All the rest, hmm, is here to make that poor guy stronger. Because the know-it-all within you will be the first to run away. Just like on the front or in a bar fight, I know because I have seen it. That little rebel, that poor guy, that fire which will send both god and demon to hell and remain alone – that guy will survive the battle, forge victory, and again, PRAISE THE LORD if there is still some of him left in you. All the rest, ladies and gentlemen, is the inner demon posing as you, posing as god, a false god, a false you. The reason why you don’t notice the poor guy who is the essence, the core of strong foundation. Your greatest vulnerability which survives, that is the foundation. Your greatest mortality that survives, that is the foundation. Not all your stories of spirituality, god, devil, angels and demons, these are only tales. Resistances, fears masked into sheep’s clothing.
That quiet, calm, simple, ordinary, non-spiritual, non-godlike, passive, hidden, quiet, trusting, vulnerable – THAT GUY. All the rest is… you got it, or not, your problem. If you have high hopes of these things you are learning to pull you out, better make a will. They won’t pull you out since you have run away from the “poor guy”. How you interpret this is your problem, I don’t give a rat’s ass. Your ass is on the line!
Calmness, stillness, passive consciousness that is witnessing and the trust in it; psychic feeling of existence; quietness behind a process and reaction; knowing that this too shall pass and won’t last forever; knowing that whatever is happening within isn’t you and isn’t yours; ideas of the teaching that had replaced the ideas of life; acceptance, giving up fighting etc. This is your Kung Fu. Some of it will stick and change the course of battle in a moment of crisis. Have trust in it. And let the battle go on without taking sides.
Sanctuary is another word or a symbol of a “strong foundation”. You know how it goes, Buddha, sangha and the Teaching. It’s something like that. Knowledge which remains when everything inside you runs wild, threatens, wants to destroy you.
That which remains is the foundation. That which can withhold storms, tornados of vital bent on your destruction. That “poor guy” I was mentioning. He doesn’t need to be “poor”. He can be very fiery, at least he was in my case. This is that guy within me who will destroy everything with a single blow. He is what is most vulnerable in you and what’s the strongest at the same time.
All other crap you think is a strong foundation is nice spiritual cockiness, but it doesn’t work, it won’t help and will be the first to runway. Like that guy who is cocky and full of himself before the attack, before action, but never actually goes into action. Those of you who have seen the front know these kinds of guys, those of you who were in bar fights also. Maybe some of you were that guy now and then, scolded yourself and then became the opposite. I say MAYBE. For he is both a coward in you and a hero also.
It’s like that moment when you will give your life for someone. That’s the guy. The one who will bend his back for someone when everything is disappearing. That one. The final act of love. Him. The one who cries at pain and suffering and shouts in rage, breaks out of you in an instant.
But he is not spiritual. That guy, my esteemed spiritual audience. That poor guy, cry baby, painful little man, who is the destructive fire of all which is false, only he can kill the demon. All the rest is a lie. He has no idea what you’re talking about, no matter how spiritual, you don’t even touch him. And your head depends on him.
Now cheers! And when you see your demon, the one you are hiding, raise a glass in his honor and tell him: To your health! To you I raise this glass of final remains, for you have deceived me, sold me the most brutal lie, spirituality and imagining that I can do something. For it was you all along.
To your health, my dear Beasts and Demons.