f903ad81ae43840c9b5f9d54409e4ef8Anyone who has been studying the teachings, spirituality, religion or anything associated with the reality beyond the material and sense reality for some time – while also working on himself without becoming stuck in a teaching, interpretation or a concept – must have wondered what is real in all of this? What is the truth behind a certain idea, or a concept given to us as teaching? Is there a teaching which points in a truer way, one which is more true than other teachings?
The short answer is NO. There isn’t.

Every teaching, every spiritual “truth” is a conceptual truth, put simply – a concept. It’s a concept about reality, about God, Absolute, soul, being etc. Truth does not exist on the level of concepts. The ultimate Truth, when put into words or a concept, is that there is only Consciousness. Consciousness itself is the Truth. The Universe is like a layer within Consciousness but does not exist by itself, without Consciousness. Obviously, we lack the definition of Consciousness which would point exactly what that is. We all know what it is, yet nobody knows what it is.

We cannot answer “What is truth”, apart from saying that Truth is that which is unchangeable, constant, always existent, unable to be anything else but truth. And the only answer to that question would be: Consciousness. Whatever that means or implies. It is said that questioning the reality of oneself and the world is the way of finding truth. Discarding and Negating all which is not Truth: all which is not unchangeable, constant, always the same, permanent. Very quickly, on the intellectual level, we come to realize how all that we perceive, know, cognize – is changeable and is therefore not Truth. We can call Truth by any other name and nothing would change. No matter how we call it we won’t realize even a speck of it. We can say that Truth is God, which is fine but means squat. We still know nothing about it. We can say that Truth is Brahman, Absolute, Consciousness, Force, and it changes nothing. We are still far from it, we might be even further from it after giving it a name or description. We know nothing about the Truth. And we will never know, I might add.

It is said that we cannot cognize, i.e. see or perceive the Truth, but we can be Truth. Interesting, isn’t it?
We cannot know anything about ourselves since all that we know is changeable, seen, perceived, therefore dual, and the Truth is not dual. If we know that we are a man then we are not a man. But if we don’t know it, don’t see it but simply are it, without discussing it, defining it, clarifying or seeking some meaning in it, then we are a man. If we know we are a man, we are not a man, but something else. What?
There is a big difference between “knowing” and “being”. Knowledge is always some kind of information, definition, meaning, value judgment, but BEING means simply BEING IT. And there is no need to ask questions about it if you are it. Simply, you are it, and that’s it. All knowledge, apart from Knowledge which is Being, is a series of information, theories, philosophies, facts which came about by observing something. When we say Knowledge with capital K, we talk about Being. Being is beyond definitions apart from the simple answer “(I) am” or a profound realization that you exist, that you are, you have existence, etc.
If we define the Truth in this way it means we can only BE TRUTH but we can’t know it, for knowledge comes from dual perception. Being or True Knowledge or direct Knowledge is BEING, and this is the truth. But Being what?
Nothing. In reality, there is nothing apart from Being. In the “am” there is nothing apart from “am”. “What is it that I am?” is already and intellectual question, a question of the mind. But if someone directs you to that feeling, that deep feeling that you exist, that you are, the feeling of knowledge that you are – all questions will subside.


(Pause reading and try this exercise)

Sit and relax. Search for the FEELING inside where you feel you are alive, that you exist; that internal spark which gives you the feeling of existence. It doesn’t matter where you find it or in which body part. Don’t seek it in the chest for some people don’t feel it there. Seek that spark and that is all.
When you find it, feel it as deeply as possible. Identify with it as much as you can. Then, without leaving this state, ask yourself anything. What are you? Who are you? What is Truth? Is there anything apart from this feeling which you are? Do you know yourself? Are you your name? Are there others, the world, the universe? What is God?


This is the Truth of (I) Am.
You Are and that’s it. There’s nothing else to realize but this. When you know this, you Know, you have a direct experience of self as am, as existence. It has nothing else, no one else except (I) Exist. You can say “I Exist”, but right away or after a while, you’ll feel that the idea of “I” is not real and that Exist enters all possible “I”s, all possible habits, characteristics, personality, body, world around. This fact of your Existence is UNCHANGEABLE. IT NEVER CHANGES.


(Pause again)

Now, while its still fresh.
Where was the feeling of Existence before the idea came to your mind? Reject all ideas and concepts and simply try to see from where did the “(I) am” or “(I) exist” came?
There is something which perceives the “exist”. What is that? Not who is that, but what is that? All that you can say about it is NOTHING. Simply a state like Consciousness and nothing more. In this consciousness the feeling of Being (existing) appears when Consciousness focuses on seeking being by way of a question or an idea; or when it starts seeking the feeling of life within the body, better yet, “within itself”. Track the feeling of “(I) exist” to the moment it appeared. Doesn’t matter where or when. Don’t track it over the lines of time or space for this feeling is not within time and space as you know them. Find when you became aware that you are, that you exist and then try to experience what was before “am”, “exist”. (Experience, not see, for you won’t be able to do it. Every seeing is projection on two and is not valid, not true.)
What was before you became aware that you exist? It can be an experience from your childhood, or in case you are not focused on the body or the time and space you know, it can be an experience out of idea of body, all the same.
You will feel Something, or Empty, or Nothing or That or “I don’t know what it is but that’s it.” And the like. But please, refrain from naming it God, Absolute, Brahman or whatnot, they are not important now.
In this experience, is there any kind of “exist” or “am” similar or identical to the “am” you felt in the first exercise? Where did the “am” go? From where does the “am” or “exist” come?


With these two exercises I want you to see that all you can know, for the lack of a better word, are these two things. Am and Nothing, or however you called it. “Nothing” is a cognitive event while “am” or “exist” is an emotionally cognitive event or state. After them, all which you know about yourself, see, assert, want to be true, want to believe – happens. Obviously, this realization won’t do you any good. It is the truth for you and this truth is useless unless you become it in full. In other words, up until all else falls away or disappears and only Being and Nothing (Absolute, God, Truth, One, Alone, Self, Brahma..) remain.
When all the lies about you are eliminated, there remain only Being and Consciousness without attributes, Consciousness which contains nothing but itself, and this we call Emptiness, Nothing, God, One, Self, the Highest, the Unknown. And as the name is telling us, we will NEVER KNOW ANYTHING about this Unknown, it will forever remain Unknown.

The state of Liberation is when this THAT, Unknown, God, is all that you are. Then, you are Liberated. When this becomes your real nature and not a consequence of some small exercise; when it becomes like your feeling of you, like your knowledge that you are human, like knowing you are “existence”. Then we say you are Fully Awakened. When you are aware that Am is the nature of your I, and when it comes naturally and effortlessly, we say you are Awake.

This was not my main point either, just a side note.
Certain scientific circles talk about reality as holographic, computer-like or virtual, as the matrix, or to be more ancient – as the dance of Shiva Nataraja, creating, maintaining and destroying the universe. All these labels speak of the same. We can also call it Dream, Theatre, Divine Lila (play), mental universe, illusion, Maya, the play of forces, Prakriti creating or expressing the seed of Purusha (witness) etc. All of those speak of the same thing.
The Knowledge or Realization that all of this is Dream, Illusion, Lila, a mental universe, hologram is what we may call Truth. But that which knows cannot be called by any name for all names are wrong and don’t speak about it. We may talk of KNOWING that and THAT WHICH KNOWS IS THE TRUTH.
The expression of this Truth is that all of this is a projection of Something, That, God, Absolute, Unknown, Brahma, or any other name you like. Obviously, knowing this intellectually is as hollow as all other intellectual knowledge. Apart from conviction and arrogance, you’ll get nothing from it.

All teachings, forms of spirituality, religions, modern sciences are in fact talking about this. But they are not true nor can they be, save as a concept we like or dislike. What is intellectual either appeals to the dryness of intellect, or it does not; the biological we either feel as BIOS or we don’t.
When you maintain yourself in the state you felt in the first exercise for long enough the material and sense reality start to fade away. You’ll get the feeling it’s transparent, like a film pulled over That. You might say “all of this is a dream”. As soon as you see this, look at yourself. Your body, your mind, your feeling of self. Same thing will happen. You don’t exist, that’s the truth. You are an imagination, a dream, projection, illusion, a mirage over something which is That, or Nothing or God, the Absolute. Few men dare to discard every concept and feel, know this without naming it. Because it destroys all projections and shows what those concepts and ideas really are. Nothing. Empty. Nothing there. Hollow.

This knowledge, this state is very dangerous, and many will flee into something else just to avoid feeling it in total, but will gladly brag about knowing it even though they are not living it nor are they It. This is what you see every day in spiritual, religious, esoteric circles, among various teachers, advaitas, neo-advaitas, tantrics, yogis, and other nonexistent “realities”. I can’t see them, nor can I feel them. They are but a shadow in front of my eye. Nothing more. I have met a few people who were not a shadow, but in that case, I was a shadow for them.

Man who had entered into Nothing to the best of his abilities is a terrifying creature. Everything in you will be frightened of him. Why?

Because he completely negates you. Each cell in your body knows that he negates it, which is a destruction of you, of that cell, of the feeling of existence, of every idea of yourself that you have. When Nothing, when the Abyss looks at you, you disappear, you are no more. In the Abyss, in Nothing, you don’t exist, there is no you. Nor is there a body from which the Abyss / Nothing / God stares. I know what it looks like, I have experienced it.
All those so called spiritual, religious, esoteric people are AFRAID to enter this. Save those true, authentic beings who dare and who had entered it. In most cases, you don’t know them. You have heard about them, speak of them gladly, but you don’t dare to sit in front of them. They are the destroyers. Shiva the destroyer is the god of Tantra, of Yoga, for a reason.

But, let’s move on, this was also a passing remark, not the aim of this text.
You know, I destroy every aspect of myself. All that I see, I destroy. One might say I am pure self-destruction. I am not. I simply wish to know the truth behind it all. The final, Ultimate Truth. Nothing more. And writing enables me to get all that I see out of my system. My goal is not to awaken you, enlighten you, give you knowledge for you are not real to me, just as I – as this man – am not real. This, let’s call it creative process of writing, is simply trash I am getting out of my system. You call this trash teaching, knowledge, meaning, or you talk trash about me, and I know you are afraid of me.

The header of the blog says that you are reading at your own discretion. That’s why I have a blog instead of a website. Here I can throw out my trash and it’s not an official site about a teaching or whatnot. I had to write this for the sake of those of you reading.

I have tried many different teachings and found the same thing in all of them. A concept which speaks of something, but a concept only. Behind it is always the same thing. Existence as expression which is Love; Consciousness free from all concepts, even free from the feeling “(I) am” or “(I) exist”. I have not found truth, for they do not contain it.
Before the first explosion in what we know as universe – what was?
NOTHING. Consciousness of potentials which has nothing. And this nothing is free from everything. Even the word “Consciousness” is wrong, but we lack a better term. I might say that “THAT” was, but what is “THAT” no one knows. But everyone who felt something or realized themselves, realized that they are THAT.

Every teaching appears and disappears. No matter how ancient. Therefore, teachings can’t be the Truth. God, the concept of God that we have, appears in That, and we have many concepts of God wherefore these concepts are not God. God would be Truth which is unchangeable, constant, continuous, ever present. Owing to this, no religion, no teaching, spirituality, esoteric knowledge IS the TRUTH or can ever be. Everything they proclaim as Truth IS NOT TRUTH for it appeared and disappeared or is disappearing or appearing.
All that we can say about the Truth is that it is Truth. In this Truth, in That as truth, God as Truth or Truth as Truth, everything appears and disappears, but it (Truth) is unchangeable.

On the other hand, every teaching can be truth but not The Truth. There are myriads of teachings, myriad of concepts, categories, styles, characters etc. NONE OF THEM ARE TRUTH. Truth has no need for teaching, concept, idea. All that we know as teachings are ultimately convictions, beliefs. Concepts even, for concept is a belief and every belief is in line with the one who likes it, who gives it meaning, but belief is NOT TRUTH.

I can say all of us went through certain beliefs about reality, certain concepts of reality before we discarded them. We are not against them, on the contrary, we know beliefs are valuable, as long as we think that we are real, as long as we seek this “real self”. When we intuit, sense it, we realize for a moment that this means death of us as a person and existence, as well death of the teaching and spirituality. When we are facing the final fear, fear of non-existence, of disappearing, we want, just like you, to hold onto a concept. Before the final internal self-destruction, we too wish to run away from what we are seeing. We wish to run away from the Non-self which is knocking on the door. Dying hurts. Destroying yourself hurts. And that’s o.k. Yet not even pain can stop you from destroying all that is false.

All teaching and some scientific disciplines say that the universe is non-existent. There is only Consciousness which is creative and which manifests as the feeling of existence, and then manifests all the rest. Manifestation is the three gunas, three forces, and what is beyond manifestation – consciousness – has no gunas or forces. When THAT decides to be born as THAT in some body – that’s it. The end of the said man, the end of his self-image, idea of self, all projections. This is the so-called new birth, new man, god being born, or whatever born again. We all like to talk about it but when it starts happening, we would rather run away and never touch that which destroys everything. But when That implants in us the desire to find the truth, like a booby trap, all chance to run away is lost.
Even if real, physical death be the consequence of our search for Truth, we still move forward. And say that’s ok. It is the death of projection. If I am a projection then all that I feel is a projection, all that I know is a projection and it will disappear. We are not interested in the spiritual, religious or esoteric anymore, for all of those are projections. We never said it doesn’t hurt, or that we like that, for you can’t “like” THAT. Liking is a projection just as disliking is. What is there is only the idea of Truth, until it dies too. When it does, when the final idea disappears, the Truth is. When a caterpillar wants to know the “truth” it dies and is reborn as a butterfly. The expression of this death is indescribable beauty and life. When we wish to know the truth, we die and the expression of this is an indescribable life and beauty. If you observe such a man you won’t notice any major difference, but in the end, you will sense it. You won’t know what it is, but it will be there. Of course, if you discard all concepts about that man. If you don’t, you are probably his parent and are unable to discard them – even though gods be crazy so sometimes even this happens. You will be confused but you’ll feel it. All will remain like what was before.

Realizing the Truth means, among other things, realizing, seeing that nothing else is real, it has no reality, nothing but Truth has reality. The truth about the world and all else is that they are not existent. Obviously, one who had not realized this is unable to know it and he still thinks that the world, him and others exist. The expression of world is Truth.

When speaking of the realization of Truth there are various concepts, and they are not true. When that moment comes, it is a moment of great disturbance, destruction and no peace is possible. Advice to remain calm in the background, to observe without interfering and trusting the process – is a good one, but whether you’ll succeed is questionable. If you didn’t learn to remain calm, aware behind a process or the strongest emotion, you won’t make it in that moment either. But that doesn’t affect the process, it will finish with or without you. No matter how long it takes, what kind of conflicts it starts and how it all goes.
The stronger the conflict, the stronger the consequences. The deeper the conflict, the deeper the consequences. The trouble is, when you realize the truth you won’t care. But while the process is in progress, all kinds of things will go down. That’s why there is preparation and it is called teaching, or Work. But these preparations don’t speak about Truth, nor can they, but about the process or the means to prepare yourself for the final revelation of the ultimate conspiracy theory. The mother of all conspiracies.
In this there are several processes of self-development or self-realization that depend on the manner in which THAT wishes to express. Whether THAT is to express in a powerful and strong, way, with abilities, capabilities for action or, whether it will express in a passive way: through Knowledge, Being the Truth without action. Things like That, but that’s beside the point.

Computer game, virtual reality, hologram, matrix, lila (play), shadow, cave, dream, illusion – it doesn’t matter how you call what you thought to be reality prior to your realization. The overwhelming of Truth which happens to you – and it always happens on its own, without your participation – negates all which is apparent. The apparent is not truth, it is only layers within it but not truth itself. As the word itself says, the apparent appears within Truth. As if if you project virtual reality into Nothing, or into dark movie theatre. It is but an illusion, a mirage, a play, an appearance which is not real. That in which, or on which, it appears is real. Owing to this fact and this realization the Truth is: all which is apparent is nonexistent. It isn’t there. There is only an interplay of light and shadows creating the apparent, dream, illusion of existence. The apparent has within itself a feeling that it exists, but the feeling of existence is also an appearance, it appears and disappears just as witnessing, since there is no witnessing without the thing witnessed – and vice versa. Therefore, it is a lie, an appearance, not Truth. By holding onto the feeling of existence or witnessing the “movie” gets interrupted and you enter Truth, but “existence” and “witnessing” are themselves also apparent since they rely on the apparent. Therefore, they are not Truth.

Let’s get back to those exercises. Both are excellent but in no way easy. The flashes you experience in the beginning are mere flashes, nothing more. They need to become your foundation, that needs to become your ordinary state, which means Work on yourself. Work, which makes all that you hold dear and important disappear, I won’t say “die” but disappear. It will lose its value, importance, and if you do it right, you too will lose your value and importance. By “you” I men all self-projections you have, all feelings of self. They will be gone. And it will be terrible, you will suffer. And that’s ok. People have been going through the same thing long before and will continue long after you’re gone. You are not special for going through this. Remember, you are just an appearance within Truth, therefore you don’t exist. You can’t just believe in this, obviously. What you can do is try it out, experience it, the rest is up to (the apparent) you. Also, maybe That doesn’t intend to awaken in this body and mind, in this layer of apparent reality just yet.
All those wonderful ideas about awake people, about yourself as wake, are simply ideas you like until you become it or start working on it. I know this from my own experience and from working with people.
Blackmails, manipulations, calculations and the like won’t do you any good. I call this wiggling. Like a fish out of water, wiggling till it dies. Will it save it from dying? Nope. Wiggling is o.k. if you have someone willing to tolerate it in front of you. Which is rare. What will happen to your friends, family, parents, children? Hm… Take a wild guess. Nothing will happen to them. Things will be happening to you, not to them. If Truth is the goal, then Truth is all you are seeking. Meaning, you are ready to confront all that will happen. Of course, in the beginning you will wiggle, run away, hide, suppress your search for Truth,, cry, be afraid and all the rest. It will be painful, terrible; you will be powerless, depressed, aggressive, fucked up, powerful, capable; and all kinds of things that can awaken within you, will.

If you aspire to Truth you will go through all of it. If not, you’ll get stuck. For how long I don’t know. It depends on you and the Truth.

Self-knowledge means knowing you don’t exist. There is no better way of telling you this. There is no you. The idea of self is just a projection. The self you seek doesn’t exist; it is a projection. You are an appearance, like a movie, a dream, an illusion, a mirage and you have no value or significance. That, or God, doesn’t know you exist.
My advice is – STAY OUT OF THIS. Play within the field of appearance; be spiritual, religious, believe in God, do yoga, find a soul mate, get enlightened in the illusion of enlightenment; cheat others and yourself; imitate awake men, love, fuck, shit, be an instructor, a master, a guru, a wifey, a hubby, a daughter, and that’s it. Do not touch the truth. Procreate, sleep, be faithful to your partner or cheat on them – it makes no difference, you are an APPEARANCE and you don’t exist. Fulfill your karma, samskara, hang out with Dalai Lama, Guru Ananda, the shepherds of Jesus, prophets of Allah, eagles of Castaneda, the gnostics, gyanis, advaitas, tantrics, and all the rest, but don’t touch the Truth, don’t aspire to it. Convince yourself that all the things you aspire to and fantasize about are the truth, and it’s o.k.

What is written here is still not for you. It’s for those who intuit what I’m writing about. And I know I’m not the only one for there are others writing and saying similar things, and those who are on the right track. No teachings, ideas, prophecies, psychics, teachers no matter how authentic they may be, are able to say anything about the one who had embarked toward the Truth. It is said in Tantra that once Kundalini starts rising, all bets are off. The Teaching, Master, concepts are of no avail then. Provided of course, you know what Kundalini is, since in most cases what you “know” about it has nothing to do with it. For the best, otherwise it would be the stupidest thing in this universe.

Is there a nicer way of saying all of this? There isn’t. Nicer ways are projections within the apparent and are not real, not true. I write about this to clear out of my system, this is my way of expression. Face to face I will most likely, as many of you know, not say a word about any of this, or merely say that you don’t really want this thus ending all discussion. If someone is persistent, I destroy all his ideas about it and be on my way. What he does with it is his business. If you want to enjoy your dream don’t ask for what can destroy it. Any attempts of calculation, and I see a lot of this, must inevitably fail. You can imitate, lie, philosophize but it has nothing to do with what I’m talking about. If you seek Truth, as you like to say when you sit in front of me, even though you sometimes call it “I wish to know myself”, or  “I wish to awaken”, then your wiggling doesn’t matter. Your Attempts of manipulation and calculation are doomed right from the start. We will cut you off. I myself will always send you off to some other guru or teacher, to some yoga or tantra. I know you must think that it’s some reverse psychology, but it’s not. Also, any attempts of finding out what will be asked of you, whether you’ll be fucked or not, whether you’ll be safe or not, are useless. No one knows what will happen when you start searching for Truth. We don’t know in what way we will be preparing you, working with you as you like to call it – for it is not the same for everyone. Interestingly enough, you are always most afraid of the things you are already doing big way. A whore is afraid we will ask of her to be a whore.
One who fucks a lot is afraid she will be asked to fuck. One who philosophies is afraid he will be outwitted. A manipulator is afraid of being manipulated. Weakling is afraid of being weakened. You always express the fear regarding what you are already doing in life, what you are doing to others and what you feel good about doing. Then you try to set your own terms, you are scared of it, you want it but can’t admit it to yourself, things like that. Usually, as soon as we see this, we are quickly done with you. We say, “Bye and thanks for all the fish”. (Hitchhiker’s guide to galaxy.) Bottom line is, you, we, are afraid of not existing, of disappearing. We won’t disappear, we don’t exist even now, save for our illusion that we do. The one who already knows this or feels it has nothing to lose save the traces of fear that are left. Such people don’t bargain. The rest, well… “Bye, and thanx for all the fish”. (metaphorically too.)