Sometimes, when we focus on our inner self, we see a messy world, a multitude of high-speed images, contradictory emotions that alternate rapidly, different feelings and sensations, undefined moods that change very quickly. The whole inner world and its different structures and processes seem like muddy waters, like a vortex, a whirlpool or a hurricane. We cannot describe them, realize them fully or recognize them clearly and sharply.
This fuzzy and blurred structure that we experience leads to irritability, to a feeling of lacking a crystallized identity, to a feeling of an identity that lacks a clear boundary, without a veil of a defined “I” or without a feeling of “self” and soon we find ourselves feeling unstable, slightly discomforted, irritated and powerless in front of the world around us. Personality traits and characteristics are not completely raised and defined and they don’t express our personality in the way we are used to, they don’t suit the self-image we usually have and this creates insecurity, inability of orientating ourselves, feelings of vulnerability, nakedness. Then we search for something to sharpen us up, just as we try to sharpen our vision after a good night’s sleep. Usually we don’t understand why this happens, or from where the need for sharpening comes from, the need for defining ourselves into what we feel every day, into what we are used to. Partly it happens out of fear, partly out of insecurity, out of the need to be well adjusted in the world, out of the need to fit in a society used to a clearly defined man, his personality, his characteristics, because we expect that everyone around us is precisely defined and structured and that we will be defeated and threatened if we remain as we happened to be at that moment. Most often this happens in the morning, after waking up, before personality had raised its walls, pulled on its veils around the naked essence.
Few people notice that there is something which perceives what is going on inwardly and that it has the power which the personality itself and the lack of structure at that moment don’t have. We seek coffee, we have a need to be let alone and not to be disturbed in the attempts of bringing back that crystallized personality structure, we have a need to prepare ourselves for the day and meetings with others. But no one, or almost no one, sees a usefulness of this, the power which stands in the background of it for the one who had recognized what it is about, who had recognized the Seeing which stands in the background and perceives the whole game of personality. Most of the people cannot recognize that because the Seer behind is not crystallized, because their consciousness which recognizes the game and the difficulty of structuring the personality at that moment is not crystallized. Therefore they don’t see the potential of it. The potential can be seen only if there is something that is stronger than that moment in them, stronger than this inner turmoil carrying a potential that requires remaining bare for as long as possible.We are afraid of bareness and vulnerability, of powerlessness and the fear of getting hurt that go along with it. We are afraid that our veil is fragile, a veil which makes our personality as a clothing for the public, a clothing for the social environment. Even fewer people realize that everyone around them has and fights the same problem in the same way and that no one even tries to stay in that “insecure” moment and perceive it as a gift of Being.
Cigarettes, coffee, conversation if we’re capable for it, a routine that we repeat every day is an attempt to structure ourselves in the background of the outer daily ritual as soon as possible – they are also buffers for protecting a vulnerable essence. Meditation, various spiritual rituals serve the very same purpose according to personality and the personal scenery that it likes to play inwardly and outwardly. Focusing on spiritual quotes, texts, advices, the attempts to center this unstable structure within ourselves by daily external and spiritual ritual lead to the same goal as do cigarettes, coffee, useless conversations, fear of contact with others while we haven’t yet clearly re-affirmed our self-image which we carry and show to everyone daily as a “selfie” on a telephone.
There is a series of clarifications what that is and why it is happening. Only a few of you noticed that you’ve been reading about it from some spiritual masters, in some hidden scripts of the teaching and that it is called an unexpressed reaction, an unexpressed samskara, a karma potential. The problem is that you have been given a brief explanation without a complete understanding. Because you consider karma and samskara to have some clear and defined structure which you call fate, but it’s not fate. Because you think that you cannot experience samskara for it is beyond conscious mind. The thing that’s happening is precisely this unclear boundary between conscious and subconscious mind, i.e. the boundary hasn’t been established by waking up or by daily rituals. Personality tends to establish clear and sharp boundaries as soon as possible in relation to its subconscious and must not stay without them (boundaries) for it is programmed in this way by fear, expectations, running away from weakness and insecurity of the inner field, of the inner world.
If you pay attention to this inner undefined content without trying to define yourself (to define your personality), soon you’ll find yourself in a subconscious vertigo, that inner vortex of this and that and you will recognize flashes of images, memory and imagination. What you are seeing is what turns into a dream when you sleep, what turns into sharp or blurred images of a dream that you dream. It’s the same in daily, ordinary awake consciousness. Ideas, concepts, attitudes, thoughts, vital movements (emotions), all that you experience as yourself from day to day is exactly the same as a dream that you have during the night, while your body sleeps. The difference between the dream during sleep while being physically active is in being without a defined “I” (a controller) while sleeping and in images appearing by themselves, without control. In contrast, in the so-called awake state you have control over yourself, a “conscious” personality, which controls what will enter the desired awareness and what will stay buried in subconscious. Personality controls, for it is your so-called “conscious I”, the controller, that which decides what is and what is not acceptable according to your self-image and the world around you. It returns the unacceptable back into subconscious, doesn’t let it appear in that little cloud of a conscious mind, which makes some 5 percent of your overall awareness.
When something like that happens during the day, all of a sudden, without expectations, without any cause, you feel like going crazy, like not having control over your life, and control always comes from the inner and gets imposed on the outer whether by everyday attitude, daily self-image, idealized “I”, spiritual postulates or spiritual identity that you’ve been creating so patiently every day for a few years. The feeling of madness is not real, because a madman doesn’t know that he is mad, but you know that you’re going mad. That means there is something behind which sees a disharmonious structure, a chaotic structure and there appears a wish to bring this structure under control as soon as possible, to re-create it as it was before, for you think that it is your real “I”, your everyday “I”.
If you do the Work upon yourself, if you have a spiritual sadhana, if you have an idea of consciousness that is given in the Work and similar disciplines, then you’re trying to be conscious in a specific way, which you didn’t recognize and don’t know where it comes from, but it suites to what you’re used to do every day, not recognizing the game of personality behind it, the game of controller behind it. Your awareness is a controller which slipped behind your critical consciousness and imposed control on that which should never be controlled. Awareness and crystallization of consciousness became the controller under the guise of a master, under the idea that you are your own master. Actually, the idea that you are “your own master” points to the controller. A Master doesn’t have a self to be controlled, for he is this very self as the Master. As soon as the idea of monitoring some imaginary self appears, it’s the controller. That “imaginary self” is actually an undefined subconscious, the parts we had discarded into shadow, the parts that we hid from the “allowed” self, i.e. from the controller that we are. And just like waking up in the morning, when we are trying to focus ourselves into a familiar daily point of perception, by working with consciousness, spiritual ideas and concepts, we’re trying to pull ourselves togetherinto some point which we will later on call “master”, “self”, “conscious self or I”. The difference between Master and Controller is huge – you know it, but you may not be aware of it. The Master is always relaxed, awake, clear, sharp as an essence, not as a veil of personality. Its I is bright and clear without clearly defined limits or veils around it, capable of entering and filling in anything without losing itself. It is wholesome with respect to the level of awareness, without fear, without the need to control something with external rules and laws, emotionally stable and directed towards itself, towards its center, passive and active simultaneously, present without feelings of compulsion or fear etc. The Controller doesn’t have any of these. It wants control over the projected self, it determines what may and may not appear in the conscious part with which it is identified with; it is motivated by compulsion and fear, daily rituals of defining, clearly defined limits, by what is allowed and what is not, by what it likes and dislikes, by what it loves and doesn’t love, by what it reasonably accepts or rejects, by clear “yes” and “no” (good and evil), by what’s accepted and unaccepted, by self-image or self-concept, idealization, by the need of going and getting somewhere, by an allowed or un allowed, desire, by what it is allowed or unallowed to do, by knowledge and the lack of knowledge, etc.
In some systems of the Work, for example, in the Fourth Way, by using the controller – allowed and unallowed, desirable and undesirable, various ideas by which consciousness is crystallized, struggle with negative emotions or not allowing negative emotions to express themselves, etc. – they attempt to arrive to the master. By purifying everyday motivation, everyday self-image, they are trying to purify the master, through the observer, deputy steward and steward. The problem is that many get stuck already with deputy steward, i.e. with the attentive “I” created by working and learning, with the observer who remembers the ideas of the Work, who tries to bring the minds into balance. In this way the spontaneous manifestation of the subconscious gets lost which leads to certain illnesses or accidents, to the fear of losing “oneself” – the observing “I”, the deputy steward, etc. If by some miracle some of them reach Man no. 5 or Man with the clear I or with the True I, that “I” leads constant and continuous fight against the subconscious that had not been brought to consciousness, although them and I know that subconscious is actually True I when illuminated. But, without the spontaneity of allowing the subconscious to express in the conscious and by constantly blocking the processes which are not desirable because they don’t suit the image given by the teaching, they block the expansion of their True I and by doing so, they also block the path above the Man No. 5. The exact same thing is happening with today’s Advaita and its teachers. But, their problem is different than the problems of the people on the path of will and awareness. Modern advaitas cannot go further because they haven’t realized certain steps which must be passed before the crystallization of I, steps which the ones from the path such as Fourth Way or such as the path of will and awareness, pass with their daily work (there are a lot of traps here which appear with the work itself on advaita path and on the path of consciousness and will which cannot fit on one text).
In order to go deeper into the unconscious or to the awakened state, the subconscious must be brought to the awareness completely without control, without imposing what you want the subconscious to have, without rigid “I”. And this is not possible if you think or if you were given an idea that the True I must be specified with the ideas of the teaching. Rigid conscious I is a projection just like the personality, just like the need to be defined in everyday life, but this time on a deeper level than the level of the ordinary man. If you enter this True I by way of will and awareness, you will have a problem with rigidity, a problem of letting go the ideas of the teaching, a problem of letting yourself go and allowing the subconscious to manifest itself, a problem with spontaneity (which everyone on the Fourth Way negates, for they don’t want to see wherein lies the problem which destroys the complete structure of their teaching), the problem of a non-controlling conscious “I”, etc. If you enter the True I through advaita teaching or through similar practices, you will have a problem because you didn’t develop the will, because you don’t have the ability to act and to impose what is needed on the system, to impose what you have realized on the higher level of consciousness, because you are too passive and helpless and you will justify it just as the advaita and similar teachers do: “there is no need for imposing”, “everything is as it is”, “all this is an illusion of the divine”, etc.
The worst thing is they are all right, but they took only one side of True I, not both, by which they blocked the passage into deeper, higher states and therefore they are stuck with the True I which will disappear at the moment of death, for it doesn’t exist if there is nothing it can witness to. The advaitas are in advantage because they became aware that their nature is Nothing, Freedom from all manifestation, but later in higher manifestations they are unable to do anything, for they have never acquired the act of Doing. The ones on the path of will and awareness get the act of Doing, for they had acquired it through the Work, but they too have a problem on higher manifestations, because they don’t have the foundation as do advaitas. Both sides are at a dead end and they must go back to gain what they had left out.
Tantric Work is simultaneity of will and awareness with letting go, surrendering (for that reason it’s more difficult in the beginning than the other methods of work). In its essence it is Advaita, but in its manifestation it is the path of will and awareness. The act of giving oneself totally to the Highest, the act of recognizing True Nature which is Nothing – Freedom from manifestation – but also the act of will and awareness on all the lower manifestations. It’s very difficult to gain both at the same time, but it’s just a matter of your decision and readiness for confronting whatboth paths require simultaneously and also a matter of deep understanding what it’s actually about, what it means. When you have this understanding, then you gradually gain possibility for will and awareness and possibility for surrendering to what you have always been in your Nature.
Will and awareness are not the control as it’s often understood by the ones on this path. They are the Master. But a Master who knows his Nature.
To maintain the awareness during the appearance of vortex within us is not an act of control. It is not an act of a clearly limited “I” which is conscious and detached from subconscious content as is commonly thought, although this is exactly the evolution of witness and awareness which must be passed through. Except in the beginning, while you are building it, awareness is not an “I” bounded by a veil and is a product of the Work, the Teaching, the Sadhana. Awareness is the Master himself who knows himself, who knows what he is, who he is, who is in contact with Higher Self or Nature that manifests itself as witnessing, awareness, True I on the level below Nature. Awareness is the moment when your controller, or in the terms of the Fourth Way – when your steward gives up the control, lets himself go with the flow and spontaneity, allows his inner vertigo to manifest within himself, when he recognizes the process of consciousness even in the processes of personality and other parts of the mind, when he realizes that nothing from these so-called “lower processes” is able to exist without him as consciousness and that he is the foundation for all the processes within.
This is precisely the answer to what you should do when, usually in the morning, this inner subconscious vertigo appears and spins you in all directions, not allowing the veil of personality from appearing for a while and takes you into the madness of undefined processes within you, which haven’t been manifested yet as karma of identity (all that is final manifestation, not just on the physical, but on the inner, mind plane – is karma). Opening oneself to that is not in the style of the controller, but is in the style of the Master. Neither is it a characteristic of the deputy steward who is actually a spiritual or a psychological controller.
There is no right advice on this level. If you are not used to fighting for yourself or for the awareness, you will not be able to do this. If you are not used to let yourself go to the subconscious, to the spontaneous flow of the process and consciousness, you will not be able to do this. Whichever side or idea of the teaching you choose – path of surrender or path of will and awareness – the other side will remain unfinished. This is a trap for those who would define themselves by clearly identifying with one side and whose need for defining comes from the unaware subconscious, fear, helplessness, lack of surrendering, lack of acceptance, etc.
You are all of it, but at the same time, you are none of it.
That’s a formula for this process. I am not what I perceive, but what has the power of perception and at the same time, I am all that I perceive. In other words, that which perceives is I, it is Consciousness, and that which is being perceived is manifestation of my consciousness in this unique body-mind set. This is the Work on True I. The Work beyond True I is a part of Advaita Teaching, defined in this way: “I”,” that” and the process which connects “I” and “that” is one and the same – a manifestation of the Absolute itself. This pushes you into passive state of consciousness, separated from the movement of consciousness which is recognized as manifestation of the forces or gunas and therefore it’s not yours (if you are the Nature itself).
A True Man, a Being who gained all, Man no. 7 and 6, has both of this, at the same time, “within himself” so to say. Every Man above man no. 1, 2 and 3 has its lower layers but is defined with the layer that he had become, that he had seized, so to say for lack of a better word. The path of will and awareness goes from bottom to top. The path of surrendering or recognizing one’s true Nature goes from top to bottom. Man no. 6 and 7 understand and they are BOTH OF THE PROCESSES OF MANIFESTATION SIMULTANEOUSLY. This is what Esoteric Tantric Teaching is telling us, this is what the ones who have completely realized themselves are telling us, the ones who have achieved Liberation of the Man no. 7. It is the reason we don’t understand them. That’s why we need interpretation of the people below, i.e. of the Man no. 6 and 7 in order to understand what People no. 7 or Liberated Beings are saying. The same thing is found in understanding of four states of consciousness, in understanding of gunas or forces, in understanding of cosmology, in understanding of energy (hydrogen by Gurdjieff).
The wholeness of me is all this through which I (consciousness) express myself. Again, none of it is my True I, nor is the True I my Nature. The Nature of Universe is expressing itself through my True I (the witness); True I expresses itself through the processes of the Minds; general Mind expresses itself through the process of Personality and Personality through the false personality or what the new agers in their ignorance call the “ego”.
If now, after this, we go back to the beginning of the text, we’ll understand that the goal is not to create personality and its veils by force as we usually try to do it when this inner vertigo appears. The goal is to let the consciousness which is not the controller, which is manifested spontaneously within those processes, to shed light on the processes that manifest themselves, on the processes that appear in flashes inside our space of consciousness. On the surface, it will look like the waves, while the ocean is unmovable, constant and completely present in its depths. The waves are just the movement of the surface which wouldn’t exist if there were not the wholeness of the ocean. Again, the ocean remains what it is with or without the waves, it remains the Master who is not a controller, the Awareness which enables movement and manifestation without interfering in it until a need for it occurs and brings the manifestation of itself into what it wants with intention.
Inner vertigo is a passage into understanding of the flow of Consciousness, a work on the Master who is not the controller, letting the processes to manifest within you without fear, without the feeling of helplessness, without the need for defining the image of yourself or the idealized “I” (ego). It’s a boldness of entering the “madness” of subconscious, the “madness” of undefined personality with emotions and sensations and maintaining your Self within it, knowing what you are, who you are without definition, because you understand that none of it exists if there is no you. There is neither this universe, nor others, nor world, nor god, just as there is no you without them.
It is clear to me that this state seems compelling to everyone who knows what I’m talking about, but at the same time they know the difficulty of achieving this State, for it is possible only for the few who have the guts to check it, to let themselves go and experience directly what I’m talking about, to pass through the foundation of the fear of disappearing and nothingness, who understand the wholeness of the teaching which is nowadays divided into different schools (parts).
Knowing this, open yourself to the inner vertigo. Let go and allow what is happening on the surface and be aware – not as the controller, but as the Master. The Master doesn’t exist either and he will die as everything else, but through him your True Nature is manifested. Part of it is connected to its Nature, other part is the Master of the lower, human nature. And you are the totality of the two. The Work beyond that is what you have heard from a few Masters, such as Nisargadatta and Aurobindo, if you are able to connect it and “steal” their knowledge. That is being in and outside of the dream simultaneously, as something that unites, but is separated from the two, etc. It is being One in Two, but at the same time being a Zero that is the foundation for both One and Two. Transformation and Transcendence of simultaneity, yet untouched by either (to Understand the Reality of the Universe – the manifested and the unmanifested at the same time).