“THE FIRST STEP in reaching the goal is the resolve not to remain where you are now.”
To many people the truth is obvious, regardless of its kind and level. But even though it’s obvious the truth remains forgotten, hidden, covered with a veil of self-forgetfulness. How come? What makes this truth, confirmed by nodding and felt joyfully for a moment – so quickly forgotten?
The whole idea of any teaching is the change of man’s internal position; the change of his perception; the point from which he views life and himself; the change of his way of living and understanding himself in the whole process from birth till death. This idea, however obvious, is not what the lovers of “truth” and “spirituality” actually live, it’s not what they practice. This fact is thrown in my face every day while working with people. I often think about what is it that stops a man from applying the ideas of the teaching, what is it that stops him from changing, from living by the principles which lead into what we would call “a higher life”, “a different perception”, “an internal change”. I am able to explain every process in a man, to see it clearly and sharply, yet I lack the ability to change the state of this same man – for each state that is born in a man, which exists and persists in him is under his own domain, so to say. It is the responsibility of this same man, the one stuck in himself, stuck in perception which characterises and defines him while providing him with the life he has. Also, it’s clear to me why a man is unable to change, and who is the one who is able to, and by this clarity, by this truth I am protected both from myself and from others. In this process of seeing I realize the facts which keep a man in place, which prevent him from moving. There is a series of facts which determine what he is, making it impossible for him to do anything, although he may be convinced that he is, in fact, able to change. When I am asked to define those facts to someone who is interested in changing, or is at least interested in assuring me of it, I realize that – that which seeks these facts is not that which is able to apply them, is not able to change under the influence of the ideas and facts I may present.
Then, I focus on those parts of myself which hadn’t changed, the parts that resist change. I see them and realize the same fact I had said to that man just a few minutes ago. Thinking that an awakened man changes everything in him and that the act of awakening implies a complete transformation – is an illusion. It is an idealization of awakeness without a basis in reality for the ones who had actually experienced this state. Awakeness is not a change of personality, it is a change of the angle from which you view the present state of affairs, from which you view both internal and external reality. It’s a new point of perception, and nothing more. What belongs to the old point of perception is not changed because it’s unconnected with the change of perception, with the change into a new point of perception. Awakeness is the first step in the next level of Work on Oneself. The same is with Liberation. They are not Harry Potter’s magic wand by which you change reality – although there is some truth in this fairy tale manner of presenting the change of reality, just not in the way your mind interprets it. Yet, in order for Harry to change anything simply by wielding his magic wand he must BELIEVE in what he’s doing. Owing to the ones interpreting the word “believing” no longer has the meaning it ought to, nowadays its meaning has nothing to do with the real meaning of the word. The word “faith” doesn’t mean blindly believing in some god in the cloud who would change your life by a mere glance. The word “faith” means applying the ideas of the teaching, living by them, and more importantly – BEING THEM. Put simply, “faith” is working with those ideas, applying them in everyday life. It would be wonderful if people could use words in a precise manner, knowing their real meaning instead of ascribing them the meaning they themselves are hypnotized with and had adopted it because of suggestibility.
Believing in an Idea, i.e. applying it without changing your perception – is doomed to fail right from the start. Believing in an Idea with the old man – the limited man, the man imprisoned by his own perception – won’t give, can’t give result. This is the first problem of every internal change. I’m not talking here of external change for it is a consequence of the internal one. The first idea a man needs to confront is the fact that there is no difference between his internal and the external world. What he experiences in the external world is a reflection of him on the inside.
For example, when a man comprehends this idea he starts realizing the misery he had created outwardly because of his internal misery. He starts being reactive on the external world, on others, on society. This is a sure sign that, as a shadow, his internal structure is being projected on his surroundings. An intelligent being might realize that he is being reactive on his internal self, on his immobility, on his internal misery. Desperation he feels is a sign that there is a struggle between two parts in him: the part that wants change, that part which feels that there is something amiss with his internal structure – and the part which is this same structure. Since self-defence is natural for the mind it projects discomfort onto its surroundings, the world, fate, god, life, senselessness. An intelligent man, a man with a possibility for change, realizes that the cause lays in him. Although, in the beginning he may not be able to see from which part of him this cause arises, since within himself he is divided into four different parts of which the fourth one might not be fully developed, and consequently the said part lacks the maturity to realize the fact of itself. An error one is prone to make in this place is that of turning condemnation of the world and others into condemnation of oneself. One feels guilt, wrongness and anger at oneself, making an even greater “sin” than is condemning others and the world – for now he condemns the cause, which is his own self. “Sin” is a wonderful word. And just like “faith”, it doesn’t mean what the bible-bashers have taught you. “Sin” means being oriented in the wrong direction, a missed cause, a missed aim, a vibration that is contrary to the vibration of reality etc. Being sinful, interpreted in a way that has nothing to do with the interpretation given by manipulators, is believing that you are this man that you are; that you are a person; a pile of personality traits; that you are a limited mind consciousness. Owing to this, a sinful man is unable to change until he realizes that he is not what he had believed himself to be.
The other day I posted a picture I knew most won’t understand. It says: “I am completely aware that I am that which I don’t want to be.” and “I am completely aware that I am that which I want to be.” What you believe, or know that you are – is the life that is happening to you. If I am a wrong man then everything that happens to me in life is wrong. If I am a guilty man then everything around me makes me feel guilt, etc.
Now go back to the beginning of the text. This is why you can’t change. This is why change is something you can only dream about, because the one dreaming of change is not the one who is able to change. You must get to know this wrong man, but you must not be him. Therefore, the first part of the Work is KNOW THYSELF. Get to know what you are now, what you are at present. The “I Am” of which spiritual somnambulists spread baseless tall tales is a fact which is, in the end, devastating for them. And the fact is this; you, or them, are “I am” – but I don’t want and am not the “I am” that you are. This isn’t the I Am which I Know. Even while, in their somnambulism, they speak of their “I Am”, in the back of it they are still miserable, pathetic, abandoned, wanting your love and acceptance. That which is “I am” in them will forever remain this miserly, false, fake “I am” that they favour. Even the “I AM” changes; goes through a series of changes on its path of evolution. Both the animals and plants have an “I am” as an expression of the feeling of Existence in them, the feeling of Life.
Actually, what you, in your lack of personal intelligence, mean by “I am” is the feeling of Existence which you feel with emotion. There is no need for an illusory spiritual vocabulary of the “I Am”, by which you wish to point at your own (imagined) spiritual greatness. You might as well say “the feeling of Existence”, but this word is not spiritual enough, it doesn’t provide you with superiority and significance you wish you had. The difference between your “I am” and the “I Am” of a spiritual Master, an Awakened Being is like the difference between a worm and a man. You being the worm and Him the man, of course. And while you are being aware of your miserly “I am” which you have proclaimed to be an imaginary “awakeness” – the awakened man is not so stupid or naive. Rather, he continues to make even greater progress in his own “I Am” – the one which to you seems great, but is ordinary for him. Just as in the case of an awakened man, it is your internal position which determines what you are – regardless of how many times you say “I Am”. Yet, this calls for intelligence. And intelligence is precisely what springs out as a manifested consciousness in the feeling of Existence.
Change of state is impossible since by way of your feeling of Existence, or the feeling of “I am”, you define what you are. Whichever idea you might accept based on likes or a projection you had defined as “spiritual” – won’t give result because your subconscious is more honest than the “conscious” you, the mentally aware you. It will undo any conviction or idea that you accept or take. Up until you change your limited, mentally defined and strengthened by processes “I am” into a new perception defined by the Teaching that was given by people much more intelligent than you, you won’t experience what you secretly hope for, secretly want. Because that which you are (I am) is not that which is able to change. Your lie, personality, takes over the ideas of the teaching by which it gains strength, makes progress on account of you or your “soul”, as you like to call it. In this way you become even more sinful than before and by extension – the main obstacle is what you are in this moment.
“I am completely aware that I am what I don’t want to be”. What you are is unable to change, and this fact is thrown in your face with every idea of the teaching, with every interpretation, with its every word. Since you can’t be something that you’re not, and you don’t know how to be something you’re unable to be, you can’t change. Even though – what you need to be and how you need to be it had been defined by every idea, by every interpretation, by every word of the teaching. “I am that which I am and life is pointing precisely at what I am and don’t want to be.”
In order for any kind of internal change to happen, living with this idea is crucial. Living with it, not blaming yourself by it, not being wrong by it, which are real possibilities for anyone starting to work with ideas. If the wrong within you, the guilty within you is the one applying ideas, with each day you’ll become worse by a good idea, you’ll become all the more filled with guilt and wrongness.
In order to avoid this you must no longer be you. And this is the part you don’t understand, a part which takes years to build, unless, as is often the case, you give up. You can no longer allow yourself to remain the you that you’re right now. For this sinful you (I am) that you are now, is the you which cannot change. You need a resolve to work on this and to never look back. Years of Work are needed to prepare you for this. If you think that you’ll apply the ideas of the teaching correctly already on the first try, you are mistaken. It is a process of change. The part that is able to change, the one with the possibility of growing inside you is the part which is not developed, and no spiritual repeating of the imaginary idea of “I am” is going to develop it. On the contrary, it will push you even deeper into SIN.
That’s why the Work is often called FIGHT FOR ONESELF, but the question is WHICH SELF? The only self that you, aspiring to internal change, can and MAY accept is the one arising out of the AWARENESS OF SELF. This much needed awareness that everyone says they have, is found in very few people on this planet. Even many awakened people have it in a very limited quantity. Because awareness, as a manifestation of Consciousness, changes with the level of Being, and the consciousness you had before is not the same as the one you have now. It has the same substance but is of different quality and quantity. The substance of consciousness changes with varying level of Being. Level of Being is not the same as the level of consciousness, although it’s often interpreted as if it is.
“I am completely aware that I am what I want to be.” If you’re working with this idea from a wrong mind-set, which you often mix up with “state”; from misery – then everything that arises in you will be miserly still, but much stronger than before. And Harry’s magic wand doesn’t exist in the way you think, not on the ordinary state of consciousness at least. To successfully use this “magic wand” you need to change the internal perception and your feeling of self. You cannot do this from the mind you know, from the mind you are now. THAT’S WHY YOU NEED A MASTER who understands this, who is what he’s teaching you. To change the state you are in a daily fight is needed, a merciless fight with your ordinary state. You need people around you who are also fighting, someone who had went through the same fight, who knows the tricks mind uses to destroy each “seed” (Idea) you take in. But first of all, have you resolved (became resolute) to start this fight? Are you the one who is able to fight in this field (Kurukshetra) and emerge victorious? Why do you think you are the one who is capable for it? But also, why do you think you are not the one who’s capable for it?
True spirituality is reserved for the ones who understand this, the rest stumble in the dark vital swamp of everyday spirituality. If you resolved to be THIS KIND OF MAN you need to abandon them. You need to “hate” your mother and father, your brother and sister, if you want to come to Him, follow Him into Kingdom of Heaven. You need to “find a new family” within you. As are “mother and father” in you, so is the new family. This has nothing to do with your physical mother and father or brother and sister (I must point this out for the idiots reading this who might, due to their lack of intelligence, interpret it in their own way.)
Change, spirituality is not something you embark on for not having anything better to do. Each mistake is paid dearly until it ceases to be a mistake. (A sin) Entering something which belongs to true spirituality calls for DARING, BOLDNESS for “The Kingdom of Heaven is taken by force”. Change begins with RIGHT FOUNDATIONS, and creating right foundations takes years of hard and rough Work on oneself. If you are the one, then stop being what you don’t wanna be already, start being what you do wanna be – this calls for a radical change within you and around you. Above all, it calls for a proper understanding of what has been said here, as well as in the Teaching.